Little Black Notebook

Before We Begin

Falling deeper into unjustified despair
Being weighed down by nothing of weight
Empty and struggling to take a breath
Struggling to let your heart beat normal

Why? Why?
What is this feeling?
This darkness, negativity
Get away from me!

I'm slipping, slipping
It's out of control
This doesn't make sense
This isn't logical

I'll write, I'll write
I have to let it out
If only just the filtered version
To try to get it out.

~

There was a point in my life where I wasn't doing so well mentally and emotionally. I never understood why. After all, I was fine so I didn't understand why I felt the way I did. It was a very persistent feeling. I thought I'd never get away from it.

It lasted for about a year and, as suddenly as it came, it went away. A part of me still doesn't understand what had happened and there's another part of me that refuses to admit that anything was wrong. 

It felt so different than 'just being down' or 'having a bad day'. I really hope I don't go through that again but it doesn't seem like it's something I could avoid. I'll just have to hope on luck.

While I was in that state, I decided to write down some of my thoughts into a little, black, hardcover notebook. Now, I have decided that I'll share it.

Going back through it now, I almost can't believe the severity of some of the things I felt and thought back then though I know that whatever I had written was a lot worse than the words portrayed. After all, sometimes you can't fully portray what's in your head.

Not everything in here will be all dark. There are some lighter and even grey areas as well.

All statements made in this book belong to me and are a filtered representation of the thoughts and emotions running through me when my mind was in a particularly dark place.

So really, if you want to quote it somewhere, at least give me credit.