Trigger Warning

Realising i'm trans

Sometimes i wish i had superpowers, especially shapeshifting.
But for me a power that makes me survive when i cut my stomach open and rip out the things that don't belong there, would do amost as well. It would be a temporary solution cause (excuse my wording but)  i would still need to grow a dick somehow.
I have yet to figure out how i'm going to do all that, but i will.

Do you want to know how i found it i was trans?
It was around my 17th birthday, yeah not when i was a little child, not even when puberty started. When i turned 17 last summer i stumbled across a youtube video, i can't remenber if it was Sam Collins' or Jamie Rains' but it more or less explained what transgender is and what gender dysphoria feels like in general.
At that moment something just clicked in my head, i wasn't surprised to hear all that, i wasn't disgusted either. It felt like i finally had the vocabulary to express what i've been feeling for years. I knew the video was describing me. Then i realised "i can look like that one day" this thought made me happier than i've been since i was around 10! The thought that i won't always have to be stuck in this body and i can change it, this thought was truly liberating. I dare to say i have never been so happy in my entire life, and i couldn't be as happy since than either. I was so happy i even shed a few tears. I was smiling like crazy. That has never happened to me before. I finally knew who i was.

Of course i said i could finally express the feeling i've had for years, i think i should explain what those were.
I have always felt more comfortable hanging out with boys, playing football, climbing trees (and the furniture at home since i was very little, my family wasn't impressed). I have a twin brother, i could never stand if we wasn't treated equally. Even if He was treated worse, i got upset. In my early teens i realised i liked girls. I had to come to terms with being a "lesbian" though first i insisted i was bi, i didn't want to disappoint my family, my parents who very obviously wanted grandkids.
But i, how should i say it, i couldn't really function as a lesbian.
Wait, wait, hear me out! It makes sense i swear. 😂
So whenever i flirted with girls (other gays obviously) or just talked with them and got closer i ended up mentioning how i was supposed to have a dick. Yes you heard that right, i started complaining about not having a penis. I also got upset every time i was called the following: cute, adorable, queen, goddess, mistress, pretty etc. I couldn't stand it, it made me wanna throw up.
I tried to explain i am not pretty i'm handsome, i'm not a queen but a king.. and so on. Of course those poor gays seemed to be just as clueless as to what the fuck i am talking about as i was.

I am your king not your queen!
But.. you're a lesbian..?
But pENiS!!

😂😂😂
(I'm so sorry)

Here to show a part of conversation (only what i said) that happened before i heard about the existence of trans people:

So yess, early signs of transness showing?