Trigger Warning

Dysphoria basics

I have always experienced dysphoria to some extent.
But it gradually got worse and worse.

At first it was just smaller things, noticing how i am treated differently, compared to my brother. I got annoyed if he got praised more. I got mad even if he was scolded and i wasn't when we fought each other. I was said i wasn't called by a nickname of our family name, because we only use it for the males in the family.

It got a lot worse when puberty hit, i noticed i am falling behind in sports. I couldn't keep up with the other guys in my football team. I wasn't allowed to participate in matches anymore, i was only allowed to go to practice. After some time, i had to stop that too.
I didn't want to join girl teams so i stop playing all together.

For my teenages years i retreated to the "comfort" of my room.
I was sad, depressed. I didn't feel like doing anything. I felt like i wasn't myself. I couldn't really make friends either. What they saw wasn't me, so i choose to not let them see me at all. This is why i have at least 3 black hoodies.

Of course this was just my social dysphoria.
The physical, it is way worse.
I'm straight, like girls, not having certain parts makes me unable to enjoy things as much as i would if i was biologically male.
It's a disability. I feel like i am being punished but i am innocent, i haven't done anything so wrong i that would make me deserve this. I am wrongfully imprisoned in a cage of flesh and blood.
I will never be a father.
I will never be as intimate with a woman as i would like to.

I definitely want bottom surgery.
I need it to be good, be better than it is now.
I desperately need it.
There is no doubt in my mind, there will never be.
I know who i am.

I can't break free.
No one sees me. They see something else. Something i hate and don't identify with.

I need hormones too, without a doubt.
Or just let me reborn.
Let me start it all over again.
In the right body.
Before i destroy this one..