The Gambler, the Thief, and the Black-market Boss

Chapter Eight: In Which Things Just Keep Happening???

"What if, hypothetically, I had murdered two people?"

"Again, that's kind of your job."

"And what if those two people just happen to be Kayasuko Kagiyama and Danzo Shimura?"

"...hypothetically?" Itachi just fidgeted nervously and Shisui sighed. "I'm going to take a shot in the dark here and say that you murdered two high profile members of Konoha's government."

"It was an accident!" Itachi insisted. "I didn't mean to!"

"Accidentally murdering Kayasuko makes sense, he was a civilian, but Danzo? One does not 'accidentally' murder Danzo Shimura." There was a bit of silence before Shisui said, "So, how'd you do it?"

"I don't know!" Itachi moaned. "I was drunk, okay?"

"That kind of makes sense. The first time you were drunk, you asked me out."

A look of absolute horror appeared on Itachi's face. "I did? Why didn't you tell me!?"

"I thought you would have remembered! You only had a sip of vodka and you even spit it out! And yet you still got tipsy. I didn't expect you to be such a lightweight!"

"You," Itachi hissed, "should not have let me out of your sight! I murdered two people, Shisui! I'm quite possibly among the most wanted men in Konoha right now!" He took a moment to violently kick the metal walls of the sewage pipe which did little more than scare away all the rats. "Even more, how come no one from ANBU told me about their deaths!? I'm a goddamn ANBU Captain! I need to be informed about this kind of thing! How else would I theoretically solve the murder and catch the perpetrator!? There is a system for a reason!"

"Stop it, Itachi, you're scaring the rats."

"Screw the rats! I'm just about ready to break down sobbing! My entire life was spent becoming the pride of Konohagakure and now I'm a wanted criminal with a price on my head!" He collapsed on the ground, his head hanging low. Then, slowly, he grabbed one of the rats and hugged it to his chest. "I'm sorry," he whispered, "I didn't mean it. I promise." The rat squealed and kicked and generally looked very unhappy with its current situation, but Itachi didn't seem to notice.

Shisui stared. "...right. So, you need my help to get out of Konoha before someone finds you?"

"I don't want to be a nuke-nin! I need your help to either solve this mess or cover it up. Preferably solve, but I'll take what I can get."

"You'll have to," Shisui said. "Even if you were drunk, you were still the one who murdered them. The law doesn't care about your lack of alcohol tolerance."

"Well, it should! I don't know what was going through my mind when I was drunk; not when I was killing them, and not when I was asking you out. No offense, but you're not my type! In fact, I'm not even gay! I'm straight! I didn't know that alcohol could change my sexuality—"

"It doesn't," Shisui said blankly. "Or, at least, it shouldn't. Itachi, do you remember anything after your first drink?"

Itachi squinted and looked off into space. "Not much after that man said something about Sakura starting a fight."

"And by 'not much' you mean..."

"I don't have any actual memories, just some random bare-bones facts floating around. After a while, even those went away. It was like I was stuck in my own head, drowning in a sea of black ink. It felt like a hand was holding me down and not letting me go. But then I woke up with a hangover and I was fine." He hugged the rat closer to himself.

"This is way too dark for a crack-fic."

"Yeah, I know, but plot."

Shisui sighed. "Yeah, plot."