SLOW BURN

48. i'm desperate

"I won't touch you then." He promises. "Just don't ask me to leave you without giving me a chance to fight for you."

"What does that even mean?" I ask turning to look at him.

He looks into my eyes. "It means that I love you and there is nothing I want more in this world than to have you by my side. I know I screwed up. I shouldn't have let you go. I'm sorry. All I ask is for a chance to fight for you, to fight for our love. Give me a chance, Natalie. Please."

I shake my head. "Josh, my life is here now. I have my career here in Newport. I'm not sure you-"

"Just give me the permission to see you." He interrupts. "Let me worry about the distance."

Give me the permission to see you.

God. He's making it so hard for me to stay angry at him.

"What am I supposed to do? Date two men at the same time?" I ask, obviously being sarcastic.

"Yes. Tell him he has competition," Josh says without hesitating. "I'll tell him myself if you want me to."

I frown. "You're being serious?"

He tries to reach for me again but he catches himself and drops his hand. "Yes. Let me earn your love. At the end of this, if you decide to stay with him then I'll find a way to accept it but at least I'll know I did everything I could to fix what I broke."

I shake my head. "You're crazy."

"I'm desperate." He corrects me.

We look at each other for a moment. I think about what he just said. He wants a second chance to fight for me. He's so romantic. It makes me want to cry. I'm angry at him and yes, I want to make him understand how I felt when he broke up with me. It might be a bit out of spite but I also need to learn how to trust him again. He let me go so easily the first time what is there to say he won't do it again? I don't think I could survive another heartbreak by Josh. I won't put myself in the position to go through that again.

I know that I can have something real with Ezra. Yes, we're just getting to know each other but I know he's a good person with a kind heart. What else would you want in a guy? Before Josh showed up on my doorstep, I had every intention of giving Ezra a real chance. He was persistent and what girl doesn't love it when a guy works hard for a yes? He could have given up but he didn't. It would be a clean slate with him. No painful heartbreak. No tears to stain our past. The problem is that Ezra is not Josh.

I love Josh. My heart belongs to him. It's still his.

I don't know what to do. I'm angry at Josh but I don't want him out of my life. Not yet. Maybe not ever. I don't know. All this thinking is making my head hurt.

"I made the mistake of not fighting for you when you started dating my brother," Josh says softly when I don't say anything. "Then I made the mistake of letting you go. I know why you don't trust me, Natalie. But please, give me a second chance. I won't touch you unless you want to. Let me take you out on a real date. Let me remind you how happy you can be with me."

"And you'd be okay with me seeing Ezra at the same time?" I ask him.

I don't know if Ezra would be up to it but something tells me he won't give up that easily. I've never dated two guys at the same time. Is this the new dating? Probably not.