SLOW BURN

43. your silence

I don't see Josh much for the rest of the week. He goes back to work and when he's not working, he's in the hospital just in case his parents or Brad need anything. I try to be with him when he's there but all he does is sit in the waiting room. He doesn't go into Brad's room. It's so strange and it worries me. It also worries me that he doesn't talk to me about how he's feeling. I'm trying to be patient but you can only take silence from a person for so long. Especially when you live with them.

Living with Josh was amazing until all of this happened. It feels like he avoids coming to the apartment to avoid talking to me. I know that everything that happened was bound to change our relationship. I just always thought that it would be for the better. I don't know why. I knew that playing with fire was dangerous and could destroy us. I can't stop thinking about how we were much happier when we were seeing each other in secret. I wish we could have stayed like that. I know that Brad's accident is what changed us. It changed Josh. I try to wait for him to come to me but the waiting is painful and my patience wears off very quickly.

About a month after Brad's accident, I feel determined to make Josh talk to me. It's Saturday on the night that I wait for him to come home. I paint my nails as I sit on the bed and watch TV. I feel anxious but I know I have to do it. I need him to tell me what he's feeling. Doesn't he trust me? I'm supposed to be that person for him so I'm going to be just that.

He gets home around midnight. I hear him come in and walk down the hall to the room. He's wearing his uniform. "Hey," he says looking surprised to see me despite the fact that we live together.

I look up from my nails and smile at him. "Hey."

He sets his jacket down. "What are you doing awake?"

I twist the cap on the nail polish and set it on the nightstand. "Waiting for you."

He looks at me suspiciously. "Is everything alright?"

"Well, I wanted to ask you just that," I say standing up.

He looks away and I can tell he's already shutting down on me though I don't understand why. "Everything is fine."

He tries to turn and walk away but I reach for his hand, forcing him to face me. I realize how long it's been since he's touched me. The thought makes me sad and I let his hand go before he pulls me away. I don't think I could take rejection from him. It would break me for sure. I look up at him. "Are we okay, Josh?" I ask quietly, scared of the answer.

His expression softens and I feel somewhat relieved. "What do you mean? Of course we're okay," he says stroking my cheek with the back of his hand.

I frown. "I don't think we are."

"Why would you say that?" He drops his hand.

I take a deep breath, bracing myself. "Josh, come on, you've been avoiding me since Brad's accident." I accuse and I hate myself for being another burden on his shoulders but I just can't take another day of him ignoring me.

He shrugs. "I've just been busy, Natalie. I'm trying to work and be there for my family."

"I understand that-"

"I don't think you do," he says sharply and it makes my chest tighten.

I know right then that this conversation could end really badly.

"So help me understand." I tell him. "Talk to me, Josh, that's all I want. Tell me how you feel, tell me what you need from me to help you get through this."

He looks away as he shakes his head. "It's so easy for you to say that. I don't think you want to hear any of it."

"I'd rather you tell me than you avoiding me," I say to him and he doesn't say anything. I take a deep breath and fight against the tears in my eyes. "If you've changed your mind about us, Josh, please tell me. Your silence is hurting me." A tear escapes down my cheek and I clean it away quickly, trying to avoid more tears. I don't want to cry. I need to get though this conversation no matter how hard it is.