48. i'm desperate

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The silence grows thicker in the kitchen. I can feel Josh looking at me, growing impatient by the second.

I finally turn to look at him. "I forgive you, Josh," I say softly and my heart breaks a little when I see hope in his eyes. "But that doesn't mean that we can just go back to how we were before."

He winces as if he were in pain. "Ah," he says, nodding then his eyes search for mine. "Am I too late, Natalie?" he asks quietly as if he's afraid to hear the answer.

A tear rolls down my cheek and I clean it away quickly but don't say anything.

"If you want me to leave and you never want to see me again, then that's what I'll do even if I'm miserable for the rest of my life." He pauses. "But if by some miracle, you still love me then let me fight for you."

"I waited for you, Josh," I say to him. "I waited for almost a year and you show up the moment I decide to move on. It's not fair." I shake my head.

He reaches out to touch me but I pull back and shake my head at him. He looks sad but let's his hand drop. "I'll never forgive myself for letting you go," He says mostly talking to himself.

"What changed?" I ask him. "What made you come here?"

"Brad changed," he says. "He told me that I should look for you if I loved you."

I frown. "Brad said that?"

He nods. "He's been seeing a therapist. I think it's really helped him. He's been sober for a few months now and yesterday-he came to talk to me. He asked me to tell you how sorry he is about everything. He let you go."

I think about his words for a moment. Brad finally let me go. After all this time, all this pain, he finally let me go. I'm happy for him, I really am, but how selfish of him to wait all this time to speak to Josh. He could have saved us a whole lot of time and pain. Now, it might be too late for Josh and I.

"I'm glad you guys mended your relationship," I say. "I know how important that was to you."

"Yes, it was but now I'm terrified that it's going to cost me you."

I look away and clean another tear that escapes from my eye. "The day that you let me go," I say slowly. "You broke me."

He winces. "Please don't say that."

"It's the truth." I tell him. "I've never gone through heartbreak like that, Josh. I've never been that broken. I need you to understand why I'm not running into your arms right now." I meet his eyes. "I'm terrified of getting hurt. I'll be dammed if I let you hurt me like that again."

"I won't." He tells me with desperation in his voice. "I know there's nothing I can say to mend your broken heart right now but give me the chance to fix things, Natalie," he says leaning into me.

I look away again, feeling emotionally drained. I just want to go upstairs to my room and hide under the covers.

"Tell me something," he says and I turn to look at him. "Do you still love me?" His brown eyes sparkle but they look sad.

I gulp the knot in my throat. I almost want to roll my eyes. "You know I still do and that's the problem, Josh. I'm trying to keep some of my dignity here. I can't just get back together with you like nothing happened. I'm terrified of you touching me because I know exactly how my body is going to react. This isn't fair. I'm fighting a battle with myself."

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