trouvaille | park jinyoung

chapter three

It's been two weeks since I was out of the hospital and now, I'm back in the place. In those two weeks, I learned the the guy who tried to stop me is named Jinyoung.

I hated going here. Even though I only went here one time, I despised it. It's not like it was helping me anyways.

Yet, here I am, opposing myself, walking down the hallways. I kept my gaze to the ground. There were other people sitting along the hallways. I can relate to some them.

Some of them look just empty. Some have others supporting them from their sides. I kept on walking until I felt a slight poke in my shoulders. I used my energy left to look look up.

"We're here." Jinyoung says.

I just nod in response as I was too tired to even respond. That was the best I could do. I looked at the door in front of me. Room 206. My bare hands came in contact with the cold doorknob. I turned it to the left and I heard a little click. I pushed the door and I immediately felt the positive and inviting energy of my therapist.

"Come in!" She said as she stood up from her seat with a wide smile and held my shoulders with her hand, transferring heat to my cold body.

How can one be so happy? I asked myself. The word "happy" doesn't even seem that familiar to me anymore. It's been a very long time since I've felt that feeling. Even saying it out loud feels very foreign to me.

"So, how is life going?" Mrs. Go asked me, positivity written all over her face. She's hoping for a good feedback though she's not really expecting it. But she still chooses to hope.

"Miserable. I wish I can end it." I respond. My voice was the polar opposite of hers. She was very bright, jolly, and positive. I'm just the opposite. My voice is just so cold. I wish I could change it but I can't. Nothing helps.

My therapist sighed and clicked her pen and started jotting something in a piece of paper. After doing so, she looked back at me with such a bright smile.

She asked me a few more questions. Told me advices and such. It was a very boring conversation. Frankly speaking, it wasn't just the conversation that is boring. My whole life had been boring ever since all this depression started. Everything looked dull. Everything felt dull. I felt dull. I just can't seem to find happiness.

After somewhat of an hour of talking and scribbling down her piece of paper, she came with a conclusion that I should start using a diary and write whatever happens to my day. Mrs. Go also told me to write as if someone is going to read it.

I exited the room with my therapist and I just stood there, outside the room. Mrs. Go excused herself with Jinyoung first. They discussed some things that I couldn't hear as I plugged my earphones and listened to music.

...

"Why are you being like this to me?" I asked.

No response.

After a few seconds of silence, I drifted my eyes off the window and looked at Jinyoung. He didn't answer to my question. Instead, he pretended not to hear it and just continued to look at the road while driving.

"Answer me. Why are you being like this." I ask again. But this time he does something.

He stopped the car as the red light lit. He looked at me, hands still holding on to the steering wheel. He sighs first and says, "I just want to help you."

"What do you even mean on "helping" me? You do know I'm just getting worse everyday. This whole therapy thing is just going to waste one day." I said back.

Again, he doesn't answer. The stoplight changed from red to green, signaling him to continue driving as the whole atmosphere faded into a quiet one again.