Bleeding Hearts || Elliot Walker

THREE; THE SHRINK'S ADVICE

"I MUST SAY,  I didn't think you would take the journal idea seriously" The bubbly red head says thick black cat eye glasses perched on the end of her nose as she scribbled down notes as if the words would disappear from her head that moment if she didn't write them down, although I have no idea what she is writing down since I haven't said a mere word to her since arriving for my session other than a nod of my head to say that I have acknowledged her presence

I shrug, not inputting anything to the one-sided conversation. What was I supposed to say anyway? I know that getting therapy sessions were helping but opening up about every little detail was just tiring, because going over the details of that night was horrible, I didn't want to go into that dark place again. I was trying so hard to forget what happened that night but this place, it was literally impossible not to think of that night because the way the staff looks at me like I'm crazy 

But I'm not crazy, I'm just depressed 

That's what the red head in front of me says, that attempting to take my life doesn't makes me crazy in fact it makes me quite the opposite, it makes me normal, I've just took it to an extreme place where perhaps I didn't need to but at the time I couldn't see another option which I agreed with since I wasn't thinking of anyone else but myself at the time 

"Elliot look I know that it's hard to talk about what you've been through but honestly you need to talk to me about it because if you don't I honestly can't give you a report to say you are getting better because honestly I wouldn't know if you're going to be a risk to yourself or others, because all of us here want you to get better and go home and have a good fulfilling life. We don't want you to go home until your ready and I really need you to tell you what your feeling so when it comes to time for you to go home you don't end up hurting yourself (or others) again and this time you might succeed in end ending your life" Rachel explains to me, her bubbly attitude towards a dark topic making it less daunting for me to hear for the fifth time since I had got here and once again I find myself rolling my eyes as I looked at the pasty yellow walls and shrugged my shoulders 

"I don't feel anything" I tell her in a quiet voice and at first the bubbly red head seemed quite shocked that I actually seemed to be talking as I hadn't said more than five words to her in the three weeks that I've been here and the two hour weekly sessions I have with her so she doesn't know anything apart from my full name and age and everything else that she knows about me was from a form that my parents filled in 

"Good. That's good. You're opening up at least and that's why I gave the journal so that you could write what you were feeling and although you don't have any personal feelings towards that night which is completely normal considering the trauma you've been through but the shock will eventually wear off and you will eventually feel emotions whether that's anger sadness or something I couldn't tell you yet but at least you're feeling homesick for your family which is normal" Rachel babbles softly and even though she's saying it's normal for me to feel hollow for a little bit I still feel like I'm a little bit crazy 

"How do you know that?" I ask her, my voice trembling slightly 

"I hate this fucking place I want to go home I want to see you and Jessie again I have missed you terribly since they restricted my visiting privileges so I couldn't see you until I got my "attitude" in check and didn't start fights with the other patients and since the fucking thing wasn't even my fault I shouldn't be the one at fault here but somehow I always am"  Rachel quotes from one of the pages in the leather journal that she had given me 

"Y-You just swore?" I gaped at her finding it hard to believe that the redheaded woman let a bad word fall from her bubblegum pink painted lips and she just looked over at me through her cat eyed glasses her green eyes narrowed slightly 

Laughter bubbles in her throat as she slides her frames back up her nose and she then looks at me "I'm an adult Elliot, I can use the language I want as long as it isn't offence to you or my other patients or any slur or derogate comment then I can use any language that I can to get you to open up"

"Very clever" I hum wanting to be irritated that she had tricked me to open up a little bit but I can't seen as she got me to open up a little as it made me more relieved to actually open up about the little things that I still have feelings about "How did you get the this clever?"

"It's called a college degree darling" Rachel winks "Maybe you'll get one someday"

For the first time in a few weeks I laugh -- it's a small laugh but it was enough to take me and Rachel both by surprise and the quirky redhead raised an eyebrow before she clicked her pen and scrawled even more notes on the notepad that she had with her and once again I find myself rolling my eyes but I couldn't find myself being annoyed by it but it was because of what I said next "Yes because a fifteen year old boy who committed suicide first thought us going to going to college and getting a decent job"

Rachel became as red as her hair as she splutters an apology before she calms herself down and sighs "Look Elliot if you don't want to get better I can't force you too, I can only guide you to get better and give you suggestions on how to do it, so this is what I suggest I'm going to suggest you continue to write in your journal anything you want: Letters, stories or your diaries"

I dont do anything but nod and leave. I was going to try and do what she suggested.