All She Wanted Was Love

41: Caged Bird

Who was she? April knew that she was still figuring herself out so she didn't stress too much over this question because it was one that everybody questioned about themselves.

Did she love herself? She absolutely did but she felt like she needed to love on herself a little bit more.

Was love meant for her?

Why couldn't she be happy?

Was she just a stepping stone for men to fall in love with and find out what they wanted in a woman then discard her and try to find better with someone else who had all of the qualities she possessed but just wasn't her?

Was she just someone to screw over and step on like she meant nothing?

Was she worth fighting for? This was a question that pained her. Neither Chris nor Dave fought for her so she didn't know how she truly felt about that.

Was she not good enough? She thought that she was. She knew she had a lot to offer.

Question after question yet no answers. Most she knew she wouldn't get answers to. April had time to think clearly about everything though. She also had time to think about both Chris and Dave and what they meant to her.

When it came to Chris April realized that she for a fact loved him but she was no longer in love with him. Chris although he had fucked up time and time again was her safety net. He was someone she was comfortable with so that's why she stuck around. Now he was just a friend who she had love for. Their friendship had been A1. Certain topics they didn't discuss but for the most part they talked about everything. He helped keep a smile on her face and kept her laughing with his goofy antics. He could still read her but knew it wasn't his place to push her.

There were times where she caught herself thinking about what would happen if they tried again but as soon as the thought crossed her mind she was pushing the idea right out of her head. Chris had chance after chance to do right by her but never did so friendship was the only thing she wanted from him. Chris had caused her more harm than good and her heart couldn't take the chance of letting him back in. April didn't know what the future held for them but she was grateful to have her friend back. He might've been a sucky ass boyfriend but he was never a shitty friend. Maybe they should've never crossed that line to begin with. Although he was a sucky ass boyfriend she couldn't deny that the love they shared during their first two years together were the best. It was real, it was genuine, and it was pure during that time. She knew if he could be, Chris would always be there for her no questions asked no matter what.

April knew that he truly knew in his heart that he fucked up and it was a feeling he never wanted to feel again. It had taken a toll on him just as much as it did her. It might've not been worse than hers but it still took a toll on him because he had to feel what life was like without the one he loved by his side. So no April wasn't willing to cross that line again and fuck up what they had rebuilt she loved her Chrissy as a friend. She hoped that one day he would eventually fall in love again with someone who loved him wholeheartedly and fill any voids he had within himself and make him feel whole again. She wanted him to be loved because he had a lot of love to give. No matter how they ended he still deserved and was entitled to happiness and a happy ending just like the rest. April wanted the best for him. It just wasn't going to be her. She had been there and done that. Chris was for somebody else.

Then there was Dave...David Lawrence Brewster Jr. He had been who and what April needed when it seemed like she was unworthy or not enough for a man to treat her how she deserved. The moments they shared, the laughs, the smiles, and the happiness he made her feel. Dave made her feel wanted. He made her feel feelings she had long ago forgotten. What she felt for him she couldn't say because it was too early to even think it, whisper it, or say it out loud. She wouldn't even mumble it. They weren't even a couple but she felt that tantalizing magnetic pull the moment they shared their first embrace. It was the same feeling she felt to this day. It was beyond like but he would never know and she would never tell. It was her little big secret to keep.