Summer Fling

four

That's all it takes for me to jump over the cliff into self destruction. 

At that exact second, it feels like my entire world has been twisted around me with no exits. I don't even think that I can speak up, and as I feel my chest tighten, I know that everything is wrong.

  "I think I should go," I instantly say, because there's nothing else for me to do.

 My solution for everything has always been to escape, and this situation certainly won't be teh exception. Even if she's here with me.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Nothing is wrong. I think I should go to my room."

  "Are you homophobic?" She asks, "you know I'm a lesbian, right?"

 She's clearly offended, but I know that she'll never understand. It's complicated, so complicated.

  "I— I'm not homophobic. It's not that. I'm just really, really tired. I'm going to go get some sleep."

 I'm able to notice that my head is already starting to hurt, and the brutal urge to escape is becoming more and more visible. I have to be alone right now, there's nothing else that I can do.

I don't know if she believes my answer or not, but she doesn't bother to object as she shrugs and says, "fine. I'll watch it by myself. See you tomorrow."

 Wordlessly, I head out of the room as if my own life depends on it, and I rush into my own. I can't help but slam the wooden door behind me, and I start pacing around the room. Everything feels wrong. 

Everything is wrong.

Thousands of emotions are running around my body, and I can't help but feel like I'm trapped. I already know that my thoughts will go through their dangerous course once again, and I don't know if I'm ready for that.

In the matter of minutes, I've gone from 0 to 100.

All it took was one mention of being gay, and I'm already leaping into the ocean. My mind is starting to temporarily shut down, and I just can't deal with it. The overwhelming sensation that everything is fucked up is everywhere around me. I can't control that, or anything else. 

I finally sit down on the soft blue carpet, resting my back on the sturdy door and trying to contain myself. Already, my liquid tears are streaming down my face at the same pace as the messy rain drops fall outside.

The scene I'm living in is dramatic, but I'm trying so hard to pull it together. I've done it in the past, and I'm sure I'll get through it again.

I can't afford to mess up, or let anyone else suspect that something is going on. I've worked so hard up to this point, and my work will never go down the drain. Especially not now.

  "I won't disappoint you, dad."

***************

"Are you ready?" Catalina asks me the next day as we walk into the hospital. 

 So far, she hasn't mentioned any of the strange events from yesterday, which is somethin g I'm more than grateful for. 

Yet it somehow seems as if our tense feelings are still flying around us, and I think they'll continue soaring indefinitely. Deep down, I do have to admit that I'm uncomfortable with everything that happened, and I'm ashamed that I acted in such an abrupt manner. But, I won't bring it up. 

  "Yes," is all I say, and she doesn't make any conversation like she usually does before the start of our day.

I'll admit, the absence of our warm conversations is starting to scare me. I miss her warm kindness, and I wish that I could just be better at hiding my own bitter thoughts.