Gunita [EDITING]

quince

If Uno was weird enough to be called weird by me, pakiramdam ko nahawa na lang ako—and by this time, I was the weirder person. I didn't even know why I cared about people and media personnel taking photos of us together inside the park. Obviously! This would stir controversies, at wala lang pakialam si Uno!

"Seryoso ka ba?" I asked. I did care about the photos... but I really didn't care much. Parang one second, I was starting to get nervous, the next second, I just shrugged it off already. I knew how enraged my Lolo's going to be if he sees this... pero wala na talaga akong pake.

Uno shrugged his shoulders, "Fucking unwind, Brandi. Forget about the media," he said. "Besides, what's the scoop? Uno Sanchez and Brandi Manumbayao, dating? Do I look like I have the time to date?"

I laughed, "Baliw," I said. "You have time to be out here, tapos wala kang time to date? Why don't you ask Irish?" I added, tasting bitterness on my tongue. Pakiramdam ko naging mapait bigla 'yung mga sinasabi ko, and it's weird! I keep on asking myself why I'm already being like this, but I keep on ending up with no answers din... lately, sobrang bothering na rin.

Uno didn't budge and silently ate his favorite shawarma snack. Napairap na lang tuloy ako. Kung anu-ano naiisip, tapos kapag ayaw na niya 'yung topic, siya 'tong tatahimik! Ang daya-daya!

We were silently eating nang biglang naalala ko 'yung tour ng banda nila. I haven't attended a single show since inuna nila 'yung places in Visayas and Mindanao. I do attend their bar gigs kapag may time, pero iba pa rin daw talaga kapag mismong concert nila 'yung pinapanood mo. I can't help but to be proud kasi isa rin ako sa mga naging witness kung paano nila binuo 'yung pangarap nilang 'yung, hanggang sa nagkatotoo, hanggang sa nandito na sila—nakikilala na, unti-unting gumagawa ng sarili pangalan sa industry ng musika.

But isn't it saddening at the same time? Kasi pakiramdam ko... nakasalalay sa lahat ng desisyon ko 'yung progression nila... I didn't want to think about it constantly, but I just couldn't help it.

God, bakit naman kasi sobrang stressful mabuhay? I go to mass naman every week ends... and I know that I'm no saint and that I still commit mistakes as a normal human being... pero, kahit ito lang naman sana. Para sa'kin. Para sa ibang tao.

Kasi nakakapagod din namang sabihin na napapagod din ako.

"Last na 'tong tour niyo sa Manila, 'di ba?" Napatingin sa'kin si Uno at tumango bago uminom sa iced tea niya.

"Punta ka?"

Napanguso ako, "Siyempre," I said.

Uno chuckled, "Bawal pangit do'n."

Pinaningkitan ko siya ng mata, "Ba't nando'n ka?" sagot ko, dahilan para mas lalong matawa si Uno. I let him laugh heartily habang nakatingin lang ako sa kaniya, hanggang sa nahawa na lang ako sa pagtawa niya. Mukha na yata kaming timang na nagtatawanan out of a nonsensical pang-aasar.

This feels... nice.

Very.

Sa totoo lang, my bodyguards weren't really enough to make me feel safe... I just had my own share of doubts around the people around me, as much as how they doubt my legality as a Manumbayao. My teenage years were very traumatic, and that ambush back when I was 17 just made it worse.

What made it worst? Fallon.

Every night, I keep on thinking kung bakit... kung ano'ng kasalanan ko sa kanilang lahat para gawin nila sa'kin 'yun? All I ever did was follow this noose that they tied around my neck, just so they could command the hell out of me.

Pero bakit?

Why do they have to scare me so much, that I even got scared of my own friends?

I have never felt safe and convenient. Ewan ko ba at bakit pakiramdam ko sobrang kampante ko. With Uno around me? I didn't care about what media outlets might say, or what others would think about me. I threw every inhibition I have... basta nandiyan si Uno, parang naka-set na 'yung isip ko. Na safe ako.