Zanvis || Colors

31

[ m i x e d  e m o t i o n s ]
[ triggers: self degradation, almost assault, sexual activity, language, self harm. this whole chapter is intense ]

For awhile now ive been going through it again. My dysphoria was eating me alive, and the dysmorphia was consuming me. As i started going days without much sleep i noticed my depression hit a spike. I woke up later that morning feeling guilt about what happened with Travis, i hated the idea of Sasha dying because Zennix and her were so fucked up they thought being fuck buddies was a smart way to cope. With Garroth threatening me to keep his dirty secret, breaking his own brother's arm because he doesn't want the truth to get out, i felt like i was suffocating. All while slowly opening up to my mom and her not knowing what to do about it at the moment didnt help anything. I felt so fucking stupid for trying to take Travis out on a date after he was assaulted by my own brother. I let Lucinda eat me out again, which only confused me on my gender more. I had sex with Gene as a guy, then brought Travis into that house with the same person i had sex with. Im only 17 and had sex. I feel like a whore.. i feel like i peer pressured travis into smoking weed. All these thoughts ran through my head, filling my body with guilt and anger. I reached out of the shower and grabbed the dab pen Gene gave me, taking a hit off it and letting it out. I closed the shower curtain again and stood in the tub looking down at my body as the water ran down my chest. I still hadn't taken the potion yet, so i had female parts right now. I had the worst feeling about getting off as a female, and getting off as a male right now in the shower. Trying to figure out which one i prefered so i wouldn't have to take pills for the rest of my life. It was almost too late for that now though, if i decided that i wanted to be a female more, id have months of T to reverse taking more hormones and i didnt really want that. I didn't want to waste any more of my parent's money than i already have.
i had a vibrator that Lucinda gave me, a small one that she calls the 'girl emergency bullet'.. goofy name, but i guess it's for when im feeling fem enough to touch myself as a girl. I turned it on, placing it in the right spot and felt everything melt away. Not used to this type of sensation i had to cover my mouth or bite my lip. Being high added to the sensual feelings in my opinion. As light and spacey as i was i focused on that one particular feeling and it felt amazing. I even got brave enough to slip a finger or two inside myself, figuring out where the g spot was and abusing it. After leaving my body shaking, i gave myself a second to recover before absolutely hating myself for doing this. I felt guilty that i was even considering leaving my female parts as is and that it felt way better than being a gay man taking it in the ass. I still decided to use the potion, and started masturbating with my hand. I've never had sex with a girl, but using warm water and coconut oil was the closest thing i could get to that feeling i suppose, also advice from lucy. I finished that way too, and something about it wasn't as strong as climaxing as a female.. I tried remembering how i felt about sex and masturbation as loving myself and it being a romantic, sensual thing but i just couldn't this time. I hated myself, felt guilt for doing this instead of making sure Travis was okay and it left me more indecisive than before.

I started going into blind rage and tearing apart a razor again, hurting myself in every place i hated and saw disoriented in the mirror. In the process.. i heard something i wish i didn't ever have to hear again...

---

I got dressed after soaking in the bath and started heading back to Zane's room. I must say i felt way more relaxed than i thought it would work. Garroth was coming from the stairs when we ran into each other. I was frozen in my tracks just beyond the door frame of Zianna's room. i was further away from Zane's bedroom than he was, and he would probably catch me if i ran towards the door.
"travis. let me come out ill kick his ass."
no demon.. that didn't work last time.. it hurt me too remember.?
"Im stronger now i can do it."
Im just gonna run for it..
"Travis. Funny seeing you again." He started, slowly walking up one step at a time.
"What do you want?" I asked shakily, also starting to creep towards Zane's door, but the idea of getting closer to him was tying knots in my stomach. "I thought things were getting better between us?"
"Better? you think slapping the fuck out of me and telling me to get back in bed is going to make things any better?"
"You think assaulting me is going to make you any less gay? You don't have to be the basic straight asshole jock in high school. Once this year is over no one will know who you are." I was getting frustrated, demon causing anger to build up inside me. I guess that made Garroth angry too, because i saw his face change and he took a quick step towards me that caused me to bolt for the door. But He also ran after me, pushing the door open as i tried closing it on him.
"If you don't get the fuck out i'm going to smash your fingers! I mean it! Leave me alone you don't need to be doing this!" Out of fear i started crying. Demon chimed in, his attitude coming through. "Keep it up buddy, Travis and i will tell the whole fucking school what a pervert you are!"
"You think you can keep me out? I'm a football player, i could throw you if i really wanted to." With that he shoved the door open, causing me to stumble backwards. While off balance he walked towards me and i started screaming for Zane and started yelling rape as loud as i could. He started dragging me towards his room as i kicked and screamed. I didn't know if Zianna was gone or just deaf considering she wasn't coming to the rescue either. Zane came bursting out of the bathroom half naked to my rescue..

---

Though i was bleeding from fresh wounds, i threw on my t shirt and boxers, skipping my binder and pants to save time. I heard Garroth yelling at Travis once again, and knew something bad was about to happen. When i raced out of the bathroom i shoved Garroth with all my might, pushing him down and screaming in his face.
"I told you to stay the FUCK AWAY FROM HIM! God i fucking hate you, fucking kill yourself already! Get over your fucking daddy issues, bastard, daddy isn't coming back! Act like him all you want, it's not gonna change anything, prick!" I towered over Garroth on the floor with the blade in my hand still, the other on Travis holding him behind me. Garroth looked angry but saw the blood smeared on my body and made eye contact with me again showing less anger. Fear set in as he witnessed complete rage in my eyes.
"did you cut yourself again?"
"Part of it is your fucking fault! Do NOT change the subject asshole! Come near Travis again and i'll fucking kill you myself. HEAR ME?! I SWEAR TO GOD ILL HURT YOU!" I screamed at him again, pointing the blade near him. I haven't screamed this loud in ages, and ive never been this angry.

if it came down to it, id hurt my own brother if it meant protecting Travis. this was not happening again. I'd send Garroth away instantly without a second thought if he ever gets near Travis again.