Zanvis || Colors

51

[ n o s l e e p ]
[triggers: talk of suicide & self harm, burning in first paragraph]

why the hell are you still alive, Zane?! I thought I fucking told you to off yourself and make sure it happens this time!! Travis's voice echoed, louder with each time he repeated that sentence. I had already almost died from a noose, he gave me my knife, I tried drowning, what more was there to die from? Do I have to do it for you?! He appeared in front of me with a lighter in his hand. "Travis- Please anything but this-" No Zane, since you cant seem to do it, ill do it for you! I look down to see myself tied up except the one arm he had in his grasp. He held the lighter to my forearm and I felt my skin burn as I watched it boil up and turn red and gross looking. I screamed bloody murder, feeling the pain.
Again, I was woke up by hands shaking me awake, it was mom.
"Zane, Zane- hunny it's mom- it was a nightmare.." She was rubbing my face, "lord, youre burning up-". She touched my forehead with the back of her hand. Garroth was in my doorway, he rushed over and pulled my hand away from my forearm. I guess I was digging my nails into my arm which would explain why it was burning. Thank god it was dark still so they didn't turn the lights on, therefore couldn't see my cuts from earlier.
I was making everyone lose sleep, making everyone worry more. Even my big doofus of a brother was worried about me and we hate each other... If only someone in real life would tell me to my face i was all of these things i could just get it over with and quit causing pain for everyone else.
".. im sorry mom.. ill be alright, just go back to sleep.." I said in a low tone. She hugged me tightly all of a sudden, grabbing the back of my head like Garroth did the night he came in to comfort me. I guess the more i slept the worse the nightmares got. It didn't matter what time of day i slept i just have nightmares 24/7. I hugged her back and tried not to cry as I heard her sniffle. Mom left after a few minutes of playing with my hair in our bodily reunion to calm me down, while Garroth stayed in my door way.
"Zane, are you sure you're doing okay.? You've never had sleeping issues like this, you look like shit.." he walked in and sat on the end of my bed looking up at me.
"I guess I don't know the answer to that." I wasn't sure if I could still trust Garroth as much as I thought I could, so I gave him a white lie.
"You don't have to trust me.. ever again. Or believe me or like me. But I want you to know that im sorry for what ive done." He looked down at his lap. I was dumbfounded, caught off guard, he just apologized to me? "I've been sober ever since I.. hurt Travis. It's crazy how much clearer i can see when im not living in dad's shadow. And ive also realized that i don't want to contribute to the world being a shitty place." He glanced back up at me. I probably look so stupid with this shocked expression on my face. I didn't say I accepted his apology because how could I forget what he did, but he was trying.. It was like he knew something was wrong with me. As dumb as he was, he was catching on and I could tell he was. Why would he be trying so hard to get me to like him again? I remained silent still,
"Okay.. well, I just wanted you to know because i do love you, Zane, you're my brother. And if you ever need anything i want you to know you can talk to me. As much as i do hate you still, i don't think life would be the same if something happened to you under my watch. As your older brother im supposed to protect you.. and i can't do that if you don't trust me." He got up to walk away after a second of silence. When he reached my door frame I spoke up.
"Thanks for trying..." It stopped him in his tracks, he looked back at me over his shoulder, nodded then left to go back to sleep. I laid there in bed looking up at the ceiling until the morning sun was peeking through my curtains.

---

I was in the kitchen making a protein shake when I heard a loud knock on the door. I hurried to it, expecting it to be Travis for some reason... But I was surprised to see Gene shaken up. My mind went to the worst, I thought Travis killed himself or something.
"Gene what's going on-? Come in-" I said in a worried tone.
"Last night, Terry appeared as a full shadow and all you could see was his eyes. You could hear him speak too- he was pissed, bro-" I relaxed a bit when he said it was only Terry.
"Well what did you do to make him that mad?" My mind started to wonder, "Wait what DID you do?! Terry wouldn't be that mad for no reason-" My mood switched like that.
"Now wait a second, Zane- you think I would do anything to piss a demon lord off knowing he's in the house-? I think Travis did something- but he pushed me right out the door! I swear to you he did!"
"Who pushed you out the door?" Garroth asked suddenly. We both turned to him and he was just casually standing there with an apple in his hand.
"Were talking about Terry." I said, like talking about a ghost was normal for me.
"Which is Travis's dad right?" Garroth asked.
"Yes! And he turned into a huge shadow and yelled at me to leave!" Gene shouted.
"Well why are you here?! You coulda brought it with you!" Garroth shouted scared as well now.
"Girls, girls- he wouldn't leave Travis's side." I said smirking. While thinking of other things.. I didn't want to drink this protein shake but mom is making me for how sick ive been lately. Unfortunately with not eating comes a poor immune system. It was all i could focus on.
"Are you so sure about that?" Gene sounded scared still.
"Wait who is with Travis right now then?"
"I tried telling Dante to go but he said Travis texted him saying to leave him be because his dad told him to be alone if he doesn't want anyone's help." Gene explained.
"Whatever Travis did must have pissed him off then.." I said going to sit down on the couch. Garroth and Gene were holding each other looking around in the air for his ghost I assume. "What are you idiots doing? He isn't here I would know if he was." i almost laughed at them.

~~~

Garroth and mom said they were running to the store to get things for supper. I took the advantaged to play the piano. Playing hurt like hell, all I could think about was Travis. How he sat at this very bench the first night he was here, playing from the heart. I sat down shakily, running my boney fingers over the keys. I decided to practice the song I was trying to learn while I was alone and no one would say anything about it. I would get no awkward talks about how much I loved him or how I wasn't over him. None of that. It was also the perfect time to step outside the back deck and smoke a cigarette. Protein shake and tobacco, what a healthy breakfast combination for the day. Ya know.. it's kind of hard to comprehend that my life is ending.. All I wanted my entire high school career was to die, like I would have never existed in the first place, and here I was greeting death in a few weeks or even days. That whole, I want to live before I die, crap was a joke. I thought for a second that having sex would make me feel like I was living. Gene and i didn't do anything that night. he told me it felt wrong to do anything again, because it was interfering with Travis and I's relationship. I just wanted to feel something again. I couldn't handle too much adrenaline, and that seemed like the perfect amount, i don't know.. I can't change what i've done, and at this point it would take so much more effort trying to fix what i've done than just dying. Some part of me is really scared.. Two things that i've wanted my whole life are clashing right now.
Find someone to bring the colors back, or go out on my own terms.

[an: sorry for all the time skips, it's getting a tad harder to right about the entire day in a life of travis and zane when all they do is lay around and do drugs]