Zanvis || Colors

49

[ t h e  t r u t h ]
[ triggers: self harm, technically cheating, eating disorder ] 

I heard mumbles coming from the bathroom almost the whole time they were in there. It was super long as well. Usually Travis couldn't stand to see the marks on his body for more than 5 minutes, but this shower lasted about 20 and my mind was wondering. I started grabbing my things, making sure I had everything, my leather jacket, my pocket knife, earbuds, and phone. Just as I was putting my shoes on, Gene walked out of the bathroom.
"Wait- Zane where are you going?"
"Home, Gene.. im going home. If im going to sit and stare at the ceiling im going to do it in a more comfortable spot, which just so happens to be my bed." I pushed my other combat boot on and tied it quickly. When I stood up Gene was there, and he grabbed my shoulders. "Zane..."
"Don't, 'Zane' me, Gene. I want to go home. I am wasting away here! He is over me and im stuck okay? Seeing him get closer to you and only trust you hurts like hell! I want to leave before I pass away on that god damn couch."
"Zane, Travis loves you.. he just doesn't see love right now.. he told me.."
"I bet he's told you a lot of things. Now im leaving." I pulled away from his arms and opened the door. To my surprise he followed me out into the cold night.
"Zane- what about Travis?"
"What about him? It's the weekend now, stay your ass here. It's so funny- It's never 'how is Zane?' It's never 'what do you want to do, Zane?' 'Do you need help, Zane?' 'Do you want the one person who got to know you without asking questions to pleasure you?' To answer those i want to sleep and im too far gone to get better. Im doing shitty and no one cares enough to dig deeper to see if im lying or not. And guess what, weather you believe me or not, I am slowly dying! My poor mom is so busy this week at home she acts like Garroth and I don't exist until supper." I caught Gene off guard. He was gonna say something but I cut him off. "Don't bother asking now. I answered them all for you." I saw Travis there in the doorway behind Gene. I felt like shit now.. fuck i just make everything worse. so I turned and walked home. A few houses down I lit a cigarette, to make sure i was out of sight from Travis.
I got home, walking in and trying to put on a happy face but it was no use. I looked tired all the time because I refused to sleep because of the nightmares. Smoking only gave me bigger eye bags.
"Oh- youre home, hi hunny. How is Travis doing.?" My mom looked at me worried. I haven't had a single thing to eat since ive been there, but I didn't tell anyone that. But again, how is Travis and not how is Zane.
"He was talking a lot today. But Gene said he was going to stay with him so I could go home." I lied. My mom looked at me worried.
"How are you doing..?" she asked softly.
"Why do you ask?" How was she getting onto me?
"Zuzu, you really think your mother is that naïve? Have you been sleeping enough, hunny..?" She caressed my face and rubbed my cheeks with her thumbs.
"No.. I don't sleep at all anymore.. maybe an hour or two if even that.."
"Do you want to try medication for anything?"
"Im not sure.. ill think on it tonight.. I guess I should try sleeping then huh.?" I asked looking up at my mom. She had a constant worried look on her face, which made me feel terrible for putting her through this much emotional stress.
"Yeah, try to sleep and if you have a nightmare come sleep with me okay.?" She said, I nodded. I walked off to my room and locked the door, getting undressed and sitting there in front of my body mirror, thinking of the image of me in a bra and pantie set from one of my nightmares. I did own two sets because Lucinda tried getting me to embrace myself.
[trigger: self harm]
I ended up not trying it on, just self harming. I was just as addicted to cutting as I was smoking. I craved to feel pain, to punish myself. I dared to cut a vertical line on my forearm, but I did. Not deep enough to die just enough to get the message across. I put on boxers and a giant tee shirt without my binder. I was just about to lay down after wiping off the blood and there was a pebble at my window. It scared me, but I pushed it up and stuck my head out. I was shocked to see Gene standing in my yard in the dead of night.
"What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be with Travis?" I whisper yelled to him, kinda annoyed kind of shocked.
"Can I come in?" He asked, I nodded and he started climbing to get to my window.
"Now- what are you doing here?" I ask again quietly. I put my finger over my mouth because the walls were thin. He nodded then started talking. 
"About what you said earlier, that's why im here." He said and hesitated, like he was seeing if I knew what he was talking about. I think it clicked, and I hoped it was the right thing because I went for it.

I kissed him..

without hesitation. He grabbed my cheeks and held me in the kiss for a long time. He pulled back and looked at me. I craved validation from someone. anyone. i wanted someone to please me so i wouldn't feel guilty about doing it myself. it had been weeks and as easy as it sounds or could be to not masturbate it was difficult because of how Demon and Travis acted just a few weeks ago.
"This is the reason why youre here right?" I asked nervously
"Well... it wasn't but.. it could be." he turned slightly pink and stood there awkwardly.
"Fuck... why are you here then?-" I back up quickly, my entire face turning red. I swiftly crossed my arms to hide the cuts I just made on them.
"Earlier you said you were dying and I wanted to make sure you weren't actually dying.."
"Youre telling me you climbed the side of my house to enter through my window to see if I was okay?" 
"Yeah, was that wrong? Wait why are your legs so skinny? They weren't like that when we hung out. Are you eating, Zane?-" He looked terrified at me.
"Yeah ive just lost weight." I lied. He suddenly lifted my shirt and saw my thin figure, ribs and everything showing at this point. And he saw my under boobs.
"Zane what the fuck man? I - oh! s-sorry-" He quickly dropped my shirt and looked away.
"Gene sit down please.. I need to tell you something.." i was unaffected by him seeing my chest.
"Sure." He sat down and I joined him.
"This wont be an easy pill to swallow.. but im anorexic. Im 17 years old whose 5,4 and weighs 90 pounds. I don't think anyone needs a doctor to know that. I have insomnia now, and i get dizzy a lot. I can't eat or I throw up; my stomach is nonexistent. No one knows. And I honestly just want to enjoy life before i die. i want to make up with Travis, i want to have sex again, i want to feel good before i go."
"Zane I-... You have to get help-" He started panicking.
"Shh.. Gene it's okay."
"No it's not- Zane I-"
"Either fuck me or leave." i spat out. I didn't want him worrying about me. And i didn't want to cause conflict between Travis, Gene and I. But i wanted to feel something, anything before i die. I wasn't going to make it out of this situation

and that's the sad truth.