Unforgivable | kth ✓

48

"He means a lot to me," my voice trailed off towards the end of the sentence. "He's been nothing but perfect with me and I fear I'm not capable of offering him the same thing in return."

"You may not realize it, but you think you're inferior to him. You don't want to accept his love because you think you're undeserving of it. But don't you think that he's the one who decides whether to give that love to you or not?" Dr. Lee questioned and silence filled the room. She didn't wait for me to answer but instead continued. I knew she could read my fiddling fingers and quivering lips.

"Your emotional struggles are preventing you from being fully present in your relationship with your loved one. That doesn't mean you don't love him. It means that there are things inside of you that need to be dealt with. You can either include him in that process, or leave him out of it. Do you want to hear my advice?" she smiled softly.

"Of course."

"You can push people away all you want. However, that would be the path of weakness. We, as conscious human beings, are responsible to take care of our own emotions and mental health. The fact that your boyfriend brought you here to me speaks volumes about his dedication to you. This might be unprofessional to say, but when he called me this morning, he was pretty upset. He told me how worried he was for you and how much he wanted to help you, but he was aware that it was beyond his capacity. He begged me to make an appointment for you in such short notice.

Let me tell you, most men would just ignore their girlfriends' spontaneous behavior alterations. But apparently, he had been observant enough to see that you were going through something difficult. I must say, this is very admirable of him."

Inadvertently, I clenched my jaw when I felt my chin start to tremble. Hearing the words escape her almost left me breathless as I gripped on the edge of my seat.

"And I can see you love him too. But you have to free yourself of your doubts and limitations. You're afraid of rendering yourself vulnerable again. You've been hurt before, you told me about your ex-boyfriend practically abandoning you. The reasons he did this for aren't relevant now. This had been another stressful experience for you. It has scarred you and has resulted in your fear of opening up. Yes, love hurts us sometimes. But there's only one way that we can heal from it."

"What is that?"

"Love," Dr. Lee offered me a wide grin. "It can both hurt us and heal us. It's a beautiful paradox, don't you think?"

***

Dr. Lee and I ended up talking for a few more minutes before she told me she had another patient appointment coming up. She was very kind and eloquent in the way she explained the nature of the problem I was dealing with. She made me understand that I had been dealing with my feelings in a very unhealthy and inadequate way. She urged me to continue observing my emotions and whenever I feel myself spiraling back into self-pity, I should just stop and tell myself that I was deserving of love.

She also scheduled when our next appointment would be. She warned me it might be a while before I feel like myself again, but encouraged me not to give up on improving my relationship with myself and overcoming my trauma. Also, she told me that if everything goes well during our therapy sessions, I would experience significant shifts in thinking and that I might be able to turn the distress around into a positive change in my attitude.

Leaving her office, I felt like something inside of me had shifted. I had always mocked those people that say change happens overnight, but truth be told, I felt like a completely different person after stepping out in the street. I felt relieved and free.

Taehyung was standing next to his car, back leaned against the vehicle and one foot in front of the other. He was staring off somewhere into the distance when his gaze cast over me.