Snippets

4 | welcome change

The December air started to chill.

I was peacefully navigating through college with the strong will to hone the necessary skill that will boost me up in climbing the tower of my dreams and, eventually, let me pick the star of my passion and victory.

Yet looking inside of me, I realized I was empty.

The very path I was walking on, where the practical and logical compass is pointing to, was the one leading me away from my passion and just towards doing what people are expecting me to.

I started wishing for sunshine and rainbow to brighten up the day but, no, they are so far away. My life has long been under the gray sky of expectations and responsibilities. And the heavy rain of fear and insecurities? It has long since drowned every way of escaping this.

The indestructible cage that I have as prison has bars built with my own reasons—thoughts that I might disappoint and fear that they might leave me alone when the time comes that I can't give anything more.

No, I'm not a fool. Yet there's no more I can do than to stick my hand out and fumble, to feel the air outside of my cage, and to try and get a taste of my wanted change.

And so my fingers twisted and stretched.

Slowly, they found the cold and sleek surface of a bottle. Almost immediately, they closed themselves around it. And willing, I let myself get intoxicated.

I started to feel the rush. From secret hangouts and late nights filled with booze and narrow escapes from drunken fights. It's a far cry from my monotonous life yet once more I started to feel numb.

So again, I stuck my hand out. Searching, groping, hoping for something that will bring fire to my heart that's slowly freezing.

Then I found other hands.

Hands of people I did not know.
Hands of people I didn't want to know.
And hands of people I used to know.

I started to fill my mind with the illusion that their presence in my life has awakened emotions. Can be pleasant, overwhelming, all swirling around passion yet suddenly, you came and shattered that delusion.

You opened a part of me I unconsciously locked, letting emotions I'm both excited and afraid of to flow. Emotions as intense as the pressure from my scholarship's benefactor, as unstoppable as the deadlines I have in school, and as real as the fact that my fingers are ten.

The emotions were both ugly and beautiful, but I wouldn't wish for them to be anything else.

You may not be a sunshine nor a rainbow but you're a black hole in my gray world I will always let to suck me in. I'm willing to fall endlessly, even blindly, as long as I know it's with you I'll end up with.

I'm aware at some point it's possible for you to leave but for now, my love, let me hold you near.

Let me feel the magic I know you won't believe to be something you brought into the air.

Continue to be my death and my lifeline, stopping my breath every time you look yet never failing to make my heart beat faster with every move you make.

I know, I'm turning sappy and you're not the type to appreciate this but please forgive me. Understand that I'm just so happy. It's not everyday that I get a reason to live not for my responsibility, not for what they expect of me, but because of you I get to live for me.

So, my love, remember this...
You'll always be in my heart throughout the years