Weak | S.R

Spencer

I don't receive an answer to any of my calls or messages.

I shove my phone in my pocket and hop out of the car, closing the door behind me before starting down the trail that leads through the cemetery. It's a route I've taken only a few times before. It's been years, though. Life got in the way.

The black granite headstone in front of me reads 'Maeve Donovan'. Someone I knew so well, but didn't really know at all.

"You..." I start, feeling silly about talking to a grave. "You ruined everything for me. I can't get over you and it's ruining my life."

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair before tucking my hands in my coat pockets to protect them from the cold.

"I want to be happy. I want a family and I want to be with Allie, but you're always in the back of my mind. You're fucking everything up. I can't have what I want... what I deserve because of you!" I shout at the piece of granite. "And I hardly knew you. Hardly! Yet you've managed to fuck up the one good relationship I've had..." I let out another sigh, shaking my head. "This is stupid. Why should I blame you? It's my brain that's attached to you for some reason. You're six feet underground..."

I scoff and take a seat in front of the headstone, not even bothered by the snow on the ground.

"I lost Allie today. For good, I think. I fucked up... God, I really fucked up. Now, I'm sitting here... while it's getting dark... talking to a ghost," I shake my head, feeling like an idiot once again. "She said that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I won't even get to see her in class anymore. At least... if we were fighting, she'd come to class and I'd get to see her and leave notes on her work. Now... I don't know what to do with myself. I'm lost. I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do."

I hear some shuffling come from somewhere and get a sick feeling in my stomach. Alright, wrap it up, Spencer. I don't wanna be caught here when it's pitch black outside.

"When I lost you... God, I was torn apart for months. If Allie died, I..." I can't even finish the sentence before tears gather in my eyes and the sick feeling already in my gut multiplies and spreads throughout my entire body. "I... I wouldn't be able to... I couldn't keep on living if she..." My chest heaves as a sob breaks out of my throat. "I couldn't stand to get up every single day and never be able to see her smile or hear her laugh. I'd never be able to hold her hand... Oh, fuck. God, I love her so much... I couldn't live without her."

Then, a switch flips in my brain.

I'm living without Maeve. I'm doing just fine without her. Sure, it took some time, but... I got on with life after she died. I went back to work, I went back to the usual routines of my day-to-day life.

If Allie died, that'd be it for me. I'd never be the same again, I'd never get on with my life. Without her, my entire world would crash and crumble around me.

Allie is everything to me.

I may have loved Maeve, but not in the way that I love Allie. What I felt for Maeve doesn't even come close to what I feel for Allie. The Earth stops spinning when she smiles at me, my heart leaps when she says my name. When she says she loves me... somewhere in the universe the cores of several stars are collapsing and they burst... they explode, each of them becoming a supernova.

She's my soul mate. She's the love of my life.

I have no doubts about it.

I get up and start on my way back to my car, almost feeling like a different person.

I have to tell her how I feel.

I call her again.

And again.