Dazed in Heaven (LH Series #1)

chapter 6

The only thing I am sure of right now is that nobody will understand the hell I feel inside my head. It's toxic in there. It's like my head is a classroom, suicide is the teacher while sadness, depression and anxiety, together with their friends are the students. The teacher teaches them how to slowly kill the principal, which is me. It is terribly surprising, isn't it?

This mere fact that I am suicidal is such a disappointment for my family, especially my father. But then, I really like it when I hurt myself. My dad talks to me whenever I do it. And I feel loved when he scolds me for committing suicide... somehow, I feel that I am worthy.

I am inside the comfort room of our home here in L.A. Yes, what I'm about to do is stupid but I think you should do it, too. In bad times, all I can think about is that blades and ropes are the only ones you can count on. It hurts but at the same time, it relieves. It's always there.

I held the blade tightly using my thumb and my index finger. I took a deep breath as the lines and notes repeated inside my head.

04-20-2011

Fresia, I miss you. I'm sorry honey, if I was too careless with you. I visited a psychiatrist and I was advised to take down notes I wanted to tell you kung sakaling buhay ka pa. I hope April 10 didn't happened. I pray it didn't happened.

04-24-2011

Fresia, help me, honey. I want to see you already. Can I?

04-30-2011

Fresia, I know you don't want me to say this but I loathe your daughter. I hate her. I wish sya nalang ang kinuha ng Diyos at hindi ikaw. Pwede bang hingin ko iyon sa Diyos?

05-02-2011

I was assigned in a new country branch. We moved to L.A, Fresia. Baka magpacater itong anak mo kasi nakuha niya na ang gusto niya. The reason why she stressed you out that much. Fucking Los Angeles with its fucking Kohle Herrera.

05-05-2011

Ivan called me earlier, he wanted me to confirm the rumors that we moved to L.A. I said yes. He wanted us to share a house with his wife, your sister, and their family. I said no. I don't want your daughter to be happier with the fact that she'll be finally be living with her cousin whom she loves to the extent of killing you. It's better if incest stays away from this family. I know that's what you want, honey.

05-09-2011

Your daughter commits suicide. Numerous times, in fact. Unfortunately, napipigilan ko out of adrenaline rush. Sana matuluyan, ano? Para magkita na kayo at nang masampal mo. Nahihibang na talaga sya, Fresia. Hindi ko na alam anong gagawin ko sa anak mo.

05-12-2011

I'm drowning myself with work. I love you too much that I cry myself while typing on keyboards. Help me, honey. I want to kill myself and see you.

My papa hates me. A tear escaped my eye. Sana nga pala ako nalang ang kinuha ng Diyos. I am the bad guy. The sinner. Why did God chose to steal my mother away and not me?

I started to silently sob. "Mama..." I whimpered. This is a great timing to kill myself. Papa's not here because of work. It's only the two of us here in the house. And no one could save me from my own self.

"Ma... ma, I'm so sorry. I regret everything I did, I promise ma. Kung maibabalik ko lang ang panahon... hindi ko na uulitin yung sinabi ko. Hindi ko na uulitin yung mga ginawa ko. Hindi na... hindi na kita sasaktan. Hindi na kita gagalitin. Hindi na... hindi na mangyayari iyon." I cried. Apologies are supposed to be personal. Hindi iyong idinadaan lang sa utak!