Sierra Nevada (XXX)

9

Just Me

Without a word, we let the hug end, took each other's hand, and started walking again. I didn't talk for a long while. "Are we done talking now?"

"I don't know."

"Just like that?"

"No."

"This isn't easy." I could hear the hurt in his voice just as much as I could feel my own. I wanted to comfort him. I didn't like the hurt I knew he was feeling. I never could stand to see him hurt.

"I know. It's not meant to be easy. Nothing worth doing ever is. But everything worth doing is worth doing right. You are in a difficult situation and I am in an awkward one. I mean I think I like you for you, I want to, more than anything I want to. I want to like this guy. The one that I'm walking next to, whose hand I am holding. This Avi, Avriel. He's not the Avi that most people see. Not at all. He's bold in ways no one would ever think he is. He's quiet, brooding, moody, vulnerable and sensitive. He is also very observant. He's cute, adorkable, adorable and very sexy. It's all overwhelming on this end. Here I never thought I would never get the chance to know the real you. I've always wondered what kind of man you really are. Meet you sure. Get to know you, not so much. I wanted to know the dorky choir nerd who's first love is and always will be music. I still do. The one who's open honesty can cut to the bone, but can't and shouldn't ever be withheld. The one who's careless laughter can fill a valley, whose hugs are warm and safe and reassuring. The one that makes me talk even though I don't want to because I'd rather shut him out then let him in where he can hurt me. The one that scares me beyond anything I have known in a very long, long time, because I don't let people in. The one that walks right through my defenses and holds open the door. That one. I want to know him. I don't want to know the Avi that every other Pentaholic knows, or even the Avriel that every Peep and Avrielite knows and I don't want to share what I do get to know about him, with him, with them or anyone else. I just want to keep this one all to myself." I was trembling when the last word fell and slow salty tears were rolling down my cheeks but I refused to look at the ground or to take my eyes from his. I looked at him boldly, as unafraid, for the moment, as I could be to let him see me, the real me. I saw the tears in his eyes. His eyes were still blue. I saw the light in them, the warmth and the honesty. I was open with him, honest and raw. The ball was in his court. What happened next between us was solely up to him.

He reached up and caught a tear with the back of his finger.

"I don't want to get hurt again. I keep my guard up. I flirt. I'm good at that. But I don't let people into my heart so easily. It's hard to trust, hard to know who you can and can't trust and it's only gotten harder. I'm scared too. You slipped past all of that. I want to give in to the feelings that I have for you. I want to trust that when all is said and done that you'll stay with me. That what you want is me, just me Avi. Not the stupid fame. It's so hard to know. There have been times that I thought I knew. Stayed in it for over three years off and on, but in the end, it was all about that. It wasn't about me and it wasn't about her and me. I thought she was different. Don't look at me that way. You don't need to. I know you are not her. I just wonder. Are you different? I want you to be different because I want to know you. I want you to know me. I keep showing you little bits and pieces of who I am. Can it be about you and me, just me if that is where we go? What happens after? Do we just go our separate ways and go on living our separate lives or do we try and forge something together? I don't even know where you live. That's a lie. I do. But still. It's all so much to consider and all so much to take in." He looked at me as his tears were falling. I thought I was going to die watching those tears fall. He hit every point I needed him to. I understood his fear and I understood my own.

"We are not going to know if we decide not to try. I can't promise that I won't hurt you. That's not a promise that anyone can ever make. I can promise you that I will never try to. I want you, the real you, just you Avi." We were holding hands again, both of them.

"I promise I will never try to hurt you. I want you, the real you, My Michelle." I slipped comfortably into the warmth of his arms and stayed there until it was time to head back to camp.