Weightless (lashton au)

Chapter fifteen

Calum smiled, surprising me by moving his hand towards mine. Sticking up his pinky finger, he mumbled,

"Pinky promise? I swear I'll never hurt you again, Michael. Please." He looked so hopeful but nervous for me to say no and I didn't have the heart to let my doubts get in the way this time, or tell him how childish this was.

I hesitantly wrapped my pinky around his, gulping slowly. Hopefully I wouldn't regret this, hopefully this wasn't just an act. Maybe...Calum really did feel guilty about what he did.

"I pinky promise," My voice wavered as Calum cheered, about to tackle me in a hug. "Just don't touch me. Unless you want my fist in your face."

On the inside, my stomach was fluttering and churning around and around like a washing machine. I had been spending so much of my time avoiding Calum just to give in to his puppy dog eyes in one second.

Calum and I stood there awkwardly for a moment, him smiling widely while I was on the edge of regretting everything that just happened.

"So, how did you know I would be here?" I weakly attempted at an actual conversation, avoiding eye contact.

"I actually had no idea you'd be here. I was looking for my friend, Luke. He's always coming here because his boyfriend is always here...Ashton, I think?"

Shit. My jaw almost hit the floor, but I had my suspicions. They were just never put to rest, since Ashton didn't tell me they were actually...dating.

"Now that I think about it, I only come here all the time because Ashton is usually here. But he's not here yet..." I awkwardly trailed off.

Where the fuck was Ashton? He is the reason why I had to confront Calum, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.

"He's probably having sex with Luke-" I began to mumble to myself, temporarily forgetting Calum was standing near me.

"What did you say?" Calum furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as I quickly changed the subject.

"Uh, nothing. It's nothing, I'm just talking to myself." Calum nodded, still looking a bit suspicious.

Ashton is too innocent to do anything like that, with Luke of all people.

I internally face palmed myself. My life must be sad enough that I resorted to thinking of my friend's love life instead of my own, which was non-existent.

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Ashton's POV

They itched. They burned. So I scratched, only making the healing scars an angry red again.

Scratching wasn't enough, I knew that.

I buried my face into my hands, cuddling further into the couch as I waited for Luke to get back from the grocery store.

It was pathetic really, that every time I'm not with him I become a victim of my dark thoughts. I hated myself for depending on another person so much, I hated myself for being sad all the time and for wanting to hurt myself.

I hated...myself. Everything. I only lived for Luke and I knew that someday he'd leave me too, just like everyone else does.

I tugged at my hair in frustration, my shaky hands then traveling down to where I've been scratching on my wrists. The skin was tinged pink from the sudden irritation, masking the older scars.

Maybe just one cut. He'll never know. Luke won't find out and it'll relieve some of my stress.

Something clicked inside me, I was suddenly locking the bathroom door and trembling from anticipation.

Luke won't find out. He won't.

I scrambled around for the razor blade that Luke hadn't taken from me, not even daring to look at my reflection in the mirror above the sink.

Crouching down and searching through the cabinets below, I rearranged unused shampoo bottles and other random objects until my eyes locked on to something.

My razor.

It could be used for shaving, but I had a better use for it.

Snatching up the razor, I expertly broke it open, freeing the lose blades from it. By now, everything was so painfully familiar like a nightmare you can't seem to forget.

I was living a nightmare.

I picked up the piece of metal so that it rested between my thumb and index finger. I studied it, my whole body still shaking as my heart rattled in my ribcage.

Just one. I repeated over and over in my head, firmly pressing the blade to the skin of my left wrist. Just one.

I finally dragged it across, a dotted line of red immediately going across where I had dragged the blade.

Relief.

The stinging pain was a sure sign that I was alive, it comforted me so much and the blood oozing out of the cut was so addicting that I-

Needed to do it again. What's the harm in two cuts? Luke won't know.

So I did it again. This time, the pain intensified and made me gasp slightly.

What's wrong with three cuts? Four? Five?

All of the sudden, any sense of control I had was thrown out the window as I desperately inflicted pain on myself, tears burning at the corner of my eyes as the blood had formed a small puddle in the sink.

I had relapsed. I relapsed. What will Luke think? I wasn't so sure. Would he...hate me?

All I knew was there was nothing wrong with twenty cuts, ten on each arm.

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I was so close to actually not writing a sad chapter but Ashton fucking relapsed I hate myself sorry but yay update am I right??

Also I have an Instagram account that I made for lashton and my fanfics and whatever I want to post and I haven't posted anything on there yet but it's called @sweaterpawsirwin because Ashton with sweater paws am I right ladies ;D I'll follow back any fanpages!!

Oh and I love my new (kind of) profile pic because Kellin is pretty yeah bye ~Hannah