Like I'm Going To Lose You

Chapter Sixteen:

"A single rose can be my garden...a single friend, my world."

Leo Buscaglia

Missy's Viewpoint: 

When I began to slowly wake up from whatever dreamlike state that I was in, I slowly began to realize that I was no longer in the real world. I was somewhere new. Am I dead? Was I not able to say goodbye to the ones that I loved? What happened after the first few punches of the beating that I took from Hiram? Did anyone find me? 

As the questions were racing through my mind, I was looking around the space that I was in. I slowly began to realize where I was. I was in my childhood home in my safe space to get away from all of the screaming and yelling as well as the arguing between my parents especially when my parents were drunk. 

As I began to look around the little space underneath the stairs that I was able to create with my twin, I could sense that someone else was there with me, someone who helped me feel safe as a little girl when I had no one else to turn to when FP wasn't around. 

"J," I said, my typical name for him. 

"Yes, Missy?" He replied as I turned towards him sitting across from me, the usual bad boy facade slowly fading away turning him to the man that I always knew that he was.

"It's been so long since I've seen you. I've missed you," I said with tears forming in my eyes.

"I've missed you too, my sweet Missy," my best friend replies.

There was a moment of silence while the tears began to fall down my face. Oh, how I wanted to stay for him. But I could tell in his eyes that he knew that I want to stay where I was. 

"Missy," J says as he takes ahold of one of my hands as I use my other hand to wipe away my tears.

"What?" I reply.

"You are not ready to come home yet. You are so needed where you are. Aaron needs you now more than ever even though he won't be able to say it himself. Yes, he's in pain, but soon he is going to be able to understand the reason why you did what you did, what we both did," J explains.

I shook my head as I thought about what was going on with my body at home. I could feel it going into the ambulance with people working on me, and I could sense Aaron off into the distance just in shock and dismay at the fact that he was looking at the girl whom he loved for so long was now back in the same situation as before.

How could he lose the love of his life all over again? How was he going to be able to trust her again to not run away from him again? What if they can't find Hiram?

So many questions run through my mind that I knew that Aaron must be thinking as well. But the one that haunted my soul the most was if Aaron was going to be there for me in the end or would he do the same exact thing that I did to him all of those years ago.

"Tell me what you are thinking, Missy," J said, pulling me back to our conversation.

"Oh, you know, the question of whether or not Aaron is going to do the same thing that I did to him in the end. Cause if he did..." I said stuttering as the wave of emotion began to take over me.

J then shushed me, trying to comfort me to the best of his ability, but knew what was going through my soul. He could always know what was going through my head. We were childhood best friends, and we were each other's crush in middle school, but of course we both moved on soon after high school, even though it broke my heart what drove us apart.

"J...what went wrong between the two of us?" I asked when I was able to calm down slightly.

"What do you mean?" J asked, his hand still sitting on my shoulder as I turned my head towards him.

"Why did you just leave me like that? You had such a bright future ahead of you and you just left me behind to be here now," I said with tears in my eyes.

"Missy, I know that you think that my suicide was your fault, but it wasn't. It was my demons that were getting to me. You did what you could to help me, and I didn't see what you were trying to do, and I am sorry for that. But I don't want my death to be held over your head like  a chain around your neck riddled with guilt, because in the end, it wasn't your fault. It was mine and mine alone," J explained me as I turned my head away from him and looked at where my body was heading to.

I saw myself on a stretcher racing into the hospital, eyes barely opening up like a thread. I saw paramedics as well as doctors surrounding me with commands and communication about what kind of state that I was in. I could see Connor's build behind the team of doctors, nurses, and paramedics.

I knew that Connor was worried about me especially for the sake of our son, but my worry was Aaron. Where was he? What was he thinking right at this moment.

My constant worry is Jamie. I knew that he had so many questions. He was going to be my curious boy. One that would make me proud one day. But he would be worried about me. We have never been completely apart for this long, and he shouldn't have to worry about living without me. 

J could see right through me and knew what I was thinking. He always could know what I was thinking.

"You are wanting to let go, but you can see your worth in the people that you have been able to surround yourself with since I've been gone. Stay for them just like they have stayed for you," J says as he begins to back away from me.

"J...I don't think that I would be able to do this alone..." I said as the tears began to explode down my face.

"I believe in you as I have always believed in you all those years ago. You are going to be okay. I can tell you this...Aaron loves you, but he needs time to heal first. Give him time, and he will come to you. Jamie....will love you no matter what, just be there for him as he learns to see what reality is really like...and Connor...will stay by your side, friend or lover or even foe...just know that they will always have your back..." J says as he begins to fade away from my sight.

My heart breaks at the fact that I am able to know that I am going to be okay, but I know that in the back of my mind, I was never able to fully able to get over the death of my first love, my first heartbreak, and the man who sent me on the path to where I am today.

Oh, God, whatever am I going to do if I go back? I know my heart was going to be broken. I can't lose Aaron again, but I know that his heart was already broken, and he can't take it much longer if I was still there and he wasn't able to be with me. 

I think that he was holding onto some sort of hope that I would there running back into his arms, but I know that he would rather respect Connor if I chose to go back to him. 

Oh, how desperate I am to stay here and let myself greave the fact that I could lose the second love of my life, the one who made me whole after losing J. The one who held me in his arms as I greave someone that held me up during my childhood and helping me and FP get out of the town that we were in. 

FP, what he must be thinking. My sweet twin. I knew that it was already hard enough as it was to live through the trauma that we did, but to lose me in the process as well, I knew that it took a toll on his mental health.

I closed my eyes as I felt myself fall asleep and begin to flatline on the table in the reality of this world that was to come for me.

My last thoughts in my mind as my world turned to the blackest part of night with no memory of what was to come were that I was sorry that I couldn't be there to say goodbye and that I was sorry for all of the sins that I committed.