Behind Closed Doors

Five

Pregnant. My entire world around me begins to cave in. It's almost like being drunk. The bathroom stall tilts and everything gets super fuzzy. Sitting down, I put my head in between my legs and try to breathe.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

I can hear the rhythm of my heartbeat in my ears. A third baby. What the fuck. Acen just turned one! I don't want another kid. Especially by Tye. I mean, yeah sure I like him. But not enough to want to be with him forever. Nonetheless have a child with him. This guy is crazy, and honestly, I want to leave more than anything. I just haven't been able to find a way to leave. This wouldn't even be a problem right now if he would have just let me take my birth control. In the middle of a panic attack, I attempt to pull myself together that way I can go back to work. Count backwards from ten. That's what my old therapist taught me anyways.

Ten...Nine...Eight....Seven....Six....Five....Four... Whoa. Okay. Everything is a little better now. This is probably the worst feeling in the world. I always told myself I'd be done after Acen. I never wanted to be a two babydaddy bitch. That's so ghetto. Plus, once you hit two of them, you're the problem right? Walking back to my desk, I sit down and begin making my calls and just trying to get my day over with. The entire time at work, all I can think about is the fact I'm really pregnant. Jesus, again? Why the fuck am I so fertile. After work, I do my daily routine and pick the boys' up from daycare and head home. Pulling into the apartments, I can see Tye sitting on the front porch smoking a cigarette, as always. That's all he ever does. Doesn't work, doesn't clean, and doesn't do anything.

After I get the kids' out of the car, I walk up to Tye and ask him if we can talk. He turns to me very uninterested and goes, "Everything cool?" Blowing smoke towards my face, he just stands there. His green eyes squinted, like he's trying to figure out if it's good news or bad news. Without saying anything I toss the pregnancy test at him. Tye has cat-like reflexes, so he catches it with one hand. Glancing down, he stares at the test for a good two minutes. He slowly looks up at me and there are tears in his eyes. Smiling the biggest smile I've ever seen him smile, he stands up and hugs me hard. "Oh my god, I'm gonna be a daddy!" My body is stiff. This was not the reaction I was expecting. I am not excited. It dawns on me that this is what he was planning to do the entire time. Get me pregnant and trap me. I fucking hate this guy. I really have never felt so much dislike for someone in my life.

Tye runs over to Leon and Acen and starts telling them how they're going to be big brothers again. Leon is not amused by any means. "No thanks." Acen just stares at him like he's crazy. Trust me boys', I feel the same exact way. My entire family is going to be so disappointed. Pissed. My mom already doesn't really like Tye because she feels like he's using me. "What man sits at home all day while his woman works? A fucking bum, Liz!" I slowly shuffle to the bedroom to just lay in bed. All I can feel is depression. I don't want another baby. I'm definitely not ready. What do I do? I can faintly hear Tye on the phone with his mom, telling her she's going to be a grandma. All of his family lives in Florida conveniently enough. Stressed out, I throw my head into the pillow and fall asleep.

TWO MONTHS LATER

I'm twelve weeks pregnant now. When I told my mom, she lost her shit. The disappointment was clear on her face. I will never forget sitting at the dinner table, eating hamburgers, and finally telling her. Taking a bite of my hamburger, I look up and say quietly, "Mom, we have something to tell you." She looked up very quickly, and narrowed her eyes. Her piercing gray eyes are barely noticeable with how squinted they are. "If you're going to tell me I'm going to be a grandma again, don't fucking say it?" Tye glances over at me. He isn't scared of my mom or anything, but he knows how much her opinion means to me. Smiling sheepishly, I tuck a strand of hair behind my ears. "It's different this time, mom. Tye is really excited and things are going to go good. We promise."