Behind Closed Doors

Four

"Let me prove it to you. Let me be the man you've grown to love. I just want to be a family with you, Leon, and Acen. I love those boys' like they are my own. You know that. Please just think about it?"

He grabs both of my arms with his big hands. Gazing into my eyes, he slowly bends down and plants the softest kiss onto my lips. I shamefully look down. Maybe he was just really angry. Maybe he really didn't do anything with her. He obviously loves me, or he wouldn't be trying so hard right? He'd just go back to be with her. She'd obviously let him. Who would I be to just run away without at least giving it one more shot? The saying goes "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me", right? Looking up into his emerald green eyes, I whisper, "I'll stay.. but if this happens again Tye, we are done. There will never be another time you do this. Got it?"

"Of course. I love you so much." He leans down and kisses my forehead.

PING

Fuck, its six. I have to go pick up the kids from Darrin. I totally forgot that my mom took them to him so he could see them for a little bit. He is going to be so shitty I'm late. I sigh and grab my bag.

"I have to go get the kids. I'll be back later. Cook dinner, will you?"

"Yeah, I'll have it done by time you get home."

I give him a small hug, and walk out the door. When I'm in the car, I drive in silence about half the way to Darrin's house. Is this normal? Am I crazy? Should I leave? I wish I had someone to talk to about this shit. Someone who would understand what the fuck was going on. If he did any of this in front of my kids, there would be no way I'd even be considering staying. So, I guess maybe I'm not entirely crazy. I hit my cigarette and toss it out the window, blowing the smoke out in small little rings. I sight to myself, "Ugh, maybe I'm the piece of shit in all of this." My favorite Juice Wrld song comes on, and I turn the music up to drown out my thoughts. Humming the chorus to 'Lucid Dreams', I shoot Darrin a text as I'm pulling up.

Darrin opens up his apartment door and peeks his head out. I see his curly black hair from the car. He's such an attractive guy. There was once a time I didn't think we'd ever be apart. I take a long drag of my cigarette and blow the smoke out of the window. Life is a bitch sometimes. "Come on boys', your mom's here." Holding the door, the kids' shuffle out in front of him. I see the top of Leon's white curls before anything. They bounce with him as he takes off running towards me. "Mommmmmyyyy." The way he says my name is so long and drawn out. Acen looks identical to Darrin. Same dark hair and skin, but dark blue eyes. They both have the biggest grins on their faces. Sometimes, I feel like since I've been with Tye, I haven't really given them as much attention as I used to. Almost like Tye preoccupies my time too much. It bothers me. Frowning at the thought, I quickly jump to my knees so the boys' can give me a hug. The impact of both of them hits harder than I expected, and I fall to the ground. Giggling, I give them hugs and kisses. Darrin stands next to us on the sidewalk and just gives a small smile. He picks up Leon and begins putting him in his car seat. Standing up, I grab Acen and do the same.

"Woah dude, what the fuck is that on your neck?"

My face turns beat red. Pushing my hair to cover my neck, I reply, "Oh, its nothing." We glance at each other. He squints his eyes and purses his lips. "You'd tell me if something was going on with you right? You know I care about you. Just because we aren't together doesn't mean I don't want the best for you." His hazel eyes stare directly into mine.

"Yeah, Darrin, I'm fine. I promise." All these years later, and he still makes me so nervous. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away. He replies, "Okay dude. Whatever you say." Darrin kisses the kids' goodbye, and walks back towards his apartment. Stopping once, he turns around and gives me a small wave. Waving back, I reverse out of the parking pace and start asking my kids about their weekend with grandma and their dad.

Seeing Darrin can be hard for me, sometimes. I thought it would get easier when I started dating Tye. Especially since we live together now. These are the reasons why I even question if I care about Tye like I do Darrin. Mind you, Darrin and I broke up maybe six months ago. Five years being together, and two kids later. Ugh, I don't know anything anymore. I do know that if Darrin ever left Miranda, I'd leave Tye. When we finally get back to the apartment, Tye has all of our plates made. BBQ chicken wings, mashed potatoes, and corn. Mmm. You can smell the wings from the screen door. Tye has Kevin Gates flowing through the house and he's sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette. Leon and Acen run up and give Tye a huge hug. Acen lingers by him and kisses his cheek. Tye has been around Acen since he was 9 months old, so I think Acen is more partial to him. That's another reason I don't want to leave him just yet. I don't want to confuse the kids again. Not so soon after me and their dad split. The boys' hurry and go sit down at their table to begin eating their dinner. One good thing about Tye is that he can cook. I can't. So naturally, the boys' love his food. Tye walks into the kitchen from the porch, saunters over and pats the boys' on their heads. He looks over at me and has a weird expression on his face. 

 "That's what you wore to go pick them up?"

I glance down at my outfit. I'm wearing navy blue soccer shorts and a black tank top. "It's the middle of July, Tye. It's hot as fuck out. What do you want me to wear?"

He gives me a dismissing look and says, "Not that. Don't wear that shit next time. Wear leggings. How did it go picking them up?"

"It went fine, as always. Why what's up?"

"Nothing, just wondering. You didn't text me at all while you were gone. Thought you guys might have gotten into it." Tye stares at me like I did something wrong. Oh, fuck no. We are not doing this again. "I left for literally thirty minutes. What would we have to talk about in that time? We live together, Tye." Now, I'm annoyed. It's constantly something when it comes to Darrin. Tye doesn't seem to understand we can co-parent and not be sleeping with each other. Not to mention, Darrin lives with his girlfriend. He still stares at me with this weird look. Turning to hand me my plate, he says rudely, "Here, eat. You haven't ate all day."

I guess he's right. I sit down in the chair, and start eating. Gosh, it really is good. I can't cook to save my life, so having good meals isn't too shabby. For some reason though, I can't seem to gain any weight. I've lost at least fifteen pounds in the last three months. I wonder why. We lay the boys down for bed and go to bed ourselves. Every night, we watch a stand-up comedy on Netflix. Tonight, its Kevin Hart. Its like our ritual. Cuddling up next to him, he starts rubbing on my inner thigh. I know what time it is. Sometimes, having sex with Tye is a chore. Its so awful. He isn't exactly blessed down there, so I do the occasional fake moan, and wait for him to be done. After he's done, he rolls over and I can instantly hear him snoring. Pisses me off. I don't think I've gotten off once sleeping with him. Sex is definitely not the reason I stay with him. I scoot over as far as possible from him, and start dozing off.

************************************************************

Things go good for about two months or so. But, not all good things last in my life. I'm standing in the big stall at work, pacing back and forth. I had just peed on that little torture stick you get when you miss your period. Lately, I have been feeling like straight shit. Constantly having headaches and just throwing up everywhere.

DING

My phone alarm goes off. Okay, time to look. Slightly glancing at the test resting on the toilet paper holder, I can see it.

TWO FUCKING LINES.

Jesus Christ. I'm fucking pregnant.