Del Rico Triplets #2: Retracing The Steps

Kabanata 28

I miss you

Walang tigil sa pag-agos ang luha sa mga mata ko. Alam kong ganoon din siya. Umaangat ang balikat niya sa pag-iyak. I'm very happy at this moment but I am in pain, too. Lalo lang pinamumukha sa akin ng nararamdaman ko na nakaaawa nga talaga ako dahil sa desisyon ko noon.

Ako ang unang bumawi sa yakap habang siya, mukhang hindi pa rin nakahuhuma. I heard the flush from the last cubicle which indicates that whoever the woman my son is with, she's about to get out.

Tumayo ako kahit na nakayakap pa rin sa akin si Tarian. Buhat-buhat ko na siya ngayon. Mas humigpit pa ang kapit niya sa akin.

"Mommy..." he whispered and nuzzled my neck.

"We'll leave for now. So we could talk more. Is that okay?" I whispered, still asking his permission even though I'm already taking the way out.

Napangiti ako nang bahagya siyang tumango bilang pagsang-ayon. Mahigpit ang kapit ko sa kaniya at malalaki ang hakbang ko.I don't know about this restaurant but I still look for an exit. Iyong hindi daraan sa harapan. Luckily, I did.

Nakalabas kami at nagtungo ako sa medyo tagong parte ng compound kung saan nakatayo ang restaurant. Thankfully, I found a bench. Walang tao kaya doon ako nagdiretso. I put Tarian to sit. Sumunod siya sa gusto ko pero nakahawak pa rin sa damit ko.

I smiled at him when I sat beside him. Hinaplos ko kaagad ang buhok niyang nabasa ng luha at pawis dahil sa pag-iyak. Humihikbi pa siya at namumula ang mata habang nakatanghod sa akin.

I suppressed my sob just so he can't see me cry.

"How are you, baby ko..." I asked in low voice.

Kumikibot ang labi niya at pinunasan pa ang luha bago sumagot.

"I miss you, Mommy." He clutched more on my tiny clothing.

I nodded at him. Alam kong hindi magtatagal at makikita na siya. The Del Rico's must be looking for him right now at wala kami sa malayo.

Ang dalawa kong kamay ay umangat para sakupin ang kaniyang pisngi. I made him look at me straight. 

"Tarian," I called him with intensity on my voice.

"I want you to know that I love you so much and Mommy misses you so much." Naramdaman ko ang bikig sa lalamuna ko. "I want to stay with you right now but Mommy can't."

He blinked at pursed his lips.

"Why?" mahinang tanong niya.

His voice is laced with pain, hope and longing. Just like me. That voice tugged my heart.

I collected myself and smiled at him. I gently brushed his cheek.

"You deserve a happy and complete family, baby. Mommy can't give you that but believe me..." I sniffed. "I love you so much, baby. Tarian ko... Mommy will always love you. It's just that... Mommy needs to let you go for you to be happy with your family."

My heart clenched in pain as I said those words. Masakit para sa akin na aminin na hindi siya sa akin magiging masaya at kumpleto. Dahil kahit anong gawin ko, gaano man kalaki ang pagmamahal ko para sa kaniya, hindi ako ang kasama niyang lumaki at hindi ako ang kayang magbigay sa kaniya ng comfort. Physically, financially, emotionally.

I am just me. I'm still wrecked even after years. I will always know that. Kaya ayaw kong maging selfish at piliin magpakaina sa kaniya sa kabila ng kaalaman na hindi ko kailanman magagampanan iyon nang maayos.

"Mommy..." he cried.

I know, with just one look, my son is matured. He can understand me. He will try to understand me.