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Take me to the rooftop
I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turning blue
y/n didn't know how she was supposed to feel anymore. her and spence's little miracle was ripped right from the both of them in an instance. she was only in this world for three weeks, twenty one days to be with her without knowing what fortune would come. 'how much more can we take?' y/n thought. her husband, spencer, took her to counseling, considering that they both needed it. their family, friends, and colleagues always calling in to check up on them.
Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious
Leave me like you do
"things like this always happen, it's not an uncommon occurrence. we're always in contact if you have any questions.." y/n never listened, she knew that nothing people could say or offer would bring back their baby. she would lock herself in the bathroom, the bedroom, or even sometimes leave the house just to get away from the world she lived in. it's not that she couldn't stand her husband, she just didn't understand how he could be so calm, so happy.
If you need me, wanna see me
Better hurry 'cause I'm leaving soon
little did she know, spencer was breaking, too. he's always wanted kids, especially with y/n. he was ecstatic to have waited the nine months to welcome their child into the world. now he can't stand how his love turned to glass. he tried to be happy, he tried to be the stronger half to hold them together, but it's cracking. spencer pleads to his colleagues for help or advice of what he could do to piece everything back together. they never knew what to say to spencer, his friends give him the same advice over and over again. "try talking to her, reid.. get her to open up to you. she needs you now more than ever."
Sorry can't save me now
Sorry I don't know how
y/n couldn't stand the apologies, or the letters, or the baskets of flowers with a notecard in shitty writing reading "Sorry for Your Loss." she wanted to scream. scream so loud so that everyone could hear, feel her pain, but as of recently she was silent. bottling up her feelings and keeping herself away from everyone and thing.
Sorry there's no way out (sorry)
But down
Hmm, down
spencer hates it when y/n pushes him away. all he needs her to do is open up to him. to tell him how she's feeling. he wants her to hold him in times like these, he needs the support that she used to give him, but now she's like a ghost to him. spencer has never felt so distant from y/n ever in his life. sometimes he felt as if they weren't even married.
Taste me, these salty tears on my cheeks
That's what a year-long headache does to you
today, y/n knew what she wanted to do. what she needed to do. she looked out the window and saw the grey clouds shift around in the sky. rain was starting to brew. a roll of thunder could be heard in the distance. luckily, spencer was out getting groceries and she knew he'd be back soon, so she needed to be quick.
I'm not okay, I feel so scattered
Don't say I'm all that matters
Leave me, déjà vu
y/n went upstairs quietly, passing the small room that they have yet to take apart. she stood in front of the door, observing everything for one last time.
~'spencer i think she's asleep.. you can put her down now.' y/n laughed quietly. spencer's finger was enclosed by their childs' as she slept soundly in his arms. she had woken up late at night in a crying fit, so y/n and spencer set out together to put the infant back to sleep. 'it's almost like i can't let her go.' spencer smiled tearily, still staring at the new life they created. ~
the memory dissipated and the room became cold and dark once more. y/n sobbed and pulled her cardigan tighter around her body in hopes to scare away the darkness that was eating her alive.
If you need me, wanna see me
You better hurry, I'm leaving soon
spencer was checking out at the grocery store when he had this awful feeling that something was wrong. this feeling that he couldn't push away was tearing through him by the second. "ma'am i'm sorry, but i have to go." he threw a few bills on the counter. "i really do apologize." he called out, running out of the store. leaving his items in the cart and the clerk shocked. spencer drove quickly back home. the rain causing him to slow down. he ran his hand through his already tousled hair. he tried calling y/n multiple times, all the calls going straight to voicemail. spencer could feel his heart pounding in his ears. something was definitely wrong.
Sorry can't save me now (sorry)
Sorry I don't know how (sorry)
y/n gripped the sides of the tub in pain. every moment of her life flashing right before her eyes in a mere second. she just wanted to feel numb, just wanted all the pain and madness to end, but not this quickly. "s-spencer!" she screamed out, but she knew that he wasn't home yet. she grabbed towels, wrapping them around her arms, but it seeped right through. she leaned her head back against the wall of the tub and tried to keep her breathing steady. her vision becoming hazy.
Sorry there's no way out (sorry)
But down
Hmm, down
spencer unlocked the front door and stepped inside. "y/n?" he yelled, desperately trying to find out if she was okay. his heart rate picking up with every step he took. room after room he couldn't find y/n, so he merged upstairs. spencer reached the top of the staircase and came into view of their child's halfway-opened bedroom door, and saw no sign of y/n. he ran to their bedroom and continued to search for her. "y/n?" he yelled out again. spencer finally noticed that the bathroom door had been shut and the light shown through underneath. spencer walked over to the door with blood ringing through his ears. with shaky hands, spencer opened the door.
Call my friends and tell them that I love them
And I'll miss them
But I'm not sorry
Call my friends and tell them that I love them
the door swung opened and hit the wall. spencer stood their in shock at the sight before him. his legs becoming weak and he fell onto the floor with a loud sob. the water that his wife laid in was tinted a reddish pink. her clothes were soaked in the same liquid. spencer crawled over to the tub and called out her name. he reached out and held her body against his, the water spilling over the sides as he felt like this was the only thing he could do. "i-i'm so sorry..." choking out a sob. he felt like he couldn't breathe. he swore that he'd let nothing happen to y/n. he felt like he didn't do enough to protect her from the demons that were eating her away on the inside. he cried out her name, begging this not to be real. he let go of her and wretched into the toilet beside him. the overwhelming sight and his hyperventilating being too much. spencer felt so sick, he felt so mad. he felt like this was his fault.
And I'll miss them
he couldn't save her.
Sorry
spencer blindly fished for his phone in his pocket, dialing the first number he had on speed dial.
"derek.."
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1576 words ; lovelygubler
updated: 04/02/2023
