The Tales Of A Slightly Gay Trans Guy (FTM Journal)

9: Lost?

04/21/19

Sorry thats its been so long!

Here's an update on life i guess...

I've been feeling really lost lately you know? I have such a feminine body and face and can never seem to look or appear masculine. Like my friends try to gender me correctly, and they do their best, but sometimes they slip up. I know they don't mean to, but it means i give off a feminine prescene which actually kinda sucks. 

Also i keep getting excluded in school. I'm on the speech and debate team and again they are amazing but so many times they'll talk about how we don't have enough boys, and wish we had more boys, or will make comments on how many boys there are, unless one of my close friends steps up and says something. 

I keep thinking about being a Junior and how next year i'll be a senior and possibly lose everything. Like that kinda hurts. My dad already said if i still "decided" to be me that would be it. He would want nothing to do with me and that kinda hurts. My mom said she would try but my dad...it would be a no. 

And what sucks is my dad blames it on religion. Like um no? not gonna be too specific but i have a best friend who is Muslim herself and literally fully supports me. Hell half the time she's the one who will literally defend me and make sure people respect me and my bf, and use my pronouns. 

I dunno i just feel stuck. and i'm still grounded. so its been like a year and a month. 

So yeah i'm kinda lost. 

-Aristotle