discuss my first love.
i don't know that i actually have one, but for a while, i thought i did.
okay, so storytime. i was in eighth grade, and i had most of the same classes with this kid we'll call oscar, bc that's the mc of the book i'm reading right now. so oscar and i hit it off very well, almost instant friends. shared homework, sat next to each other in every class we had together, you get the picture. very early on, i developed a crush on him. he was nerdy and sweet and funny and everything i thought i wanted. we spend so much time together, he figures out that i like him and confronts me about it. i am BAD at confrontation. SO BAD. but i suck it up and admit it, we have an awkward phase, and then we're best friends again. so partway through the year, i lose my grandma to cancer. i was devastated. she was the first family member i lost that i was close to. and oscar, as i mentioned, was sweet and became my metaphorical shoulder to lean on. we were so close, our friends and teachers all thought we were dating. we were not. we never dated. anyway, i thought i was getting over my crush, as i usually do, but then we had a long talk one day, and he told me he was moving. i was so upset, and i realized i still liked him. but i knew he was a bit dangerous, so one of my friends that homeschooled pretended he was my boyfriend. and i left my phone while my friend texted oscar, and he admitted that he did like me, but that he didn't see the point since he was moving. good lord. absolutely shattered me. again, i knew he was not good for me. so i acted nonchalant, until the last day of school. he checked out early and i cried my dang eyes out like a baby. he moved and he acted like we were never even friends. i was heartbroken, and it took me a while to get over him. in a couple moments of weakness, i texted him after he moved, and the conversations never went well. i thought i loved him, and i told him so (BAD IDEA) and he said "i love you today, but not as i did before," whatever the heck that means. and now i follow him on ig. he dyed his hair blonde at one point and it looked stupid. he's one of the cool kids now. blech. i think i'll always low-key hate him. and also low-key miss him. and i didn't love him. not romantically, at least. i know that now.
good riddance, i say.
