(1) mom,
when i told you about my depression, i didn't think you'd blame yourself. i told you because i felt you deserve to know. 17 years, give or take, is a long time to hide that i'm not okay. i'm sorry.
please understand. i don't blame you. i never have. and i never will. is there more you could have done when i was little? sure. but are you why i have depression and anxiety? no. nowhere close.
i love you so much more than i say or show, and i'm so glad we have a better relationship than we did this time last year. you're my mom, and even though it's cringey, you are also one of my best friends.
joc ♥️
(2) saidey,
you've seen me at my best. laughing with my friends and family, enjoying fireworks, tanning on the beach, reading my favorite book, singing at the top of my lungs.
but, you can't have a best without having a worst. and you've seen me at my worst too. crying for hours on end, hiding from the world and my responsibilities, not eating, not showering for days at a time.
you've stuck with me through it all. i only wish i could actually tell you all of this. too bad you're my dog.
joc
(3) future self,
there are so many things i want to say to you, and i don't know where to start. i wish you could talk to me as i write this. apparently time travel hasn't been successful yet.
how's the family? parents, siblings, siblings' spouses and child(ren), your husband(?), your children(??).
if this sounds selfish, i'm sorry. but how else is it supposed to sound? no one legitimately wants to be unhappy with their life. and you are me, so of course i want everything for you.
i hope that you have been happy for years. that you got the help you needed and took care of your mental health. i hope that you fell in love with yourself. i hope that you've travelled and loved and lived and dreamed and read and snuggled and learned and struggled and failed and wished and been loved.
and after all that, i hope you fell in love with someone who makes you laugh, especially on your worst days. he remembers all of your favorite things, and gives them to you unexpectedly. he tells you that you are his whole world, and shows you every day. he smothers you in kisses, and isn't afraid to talk about the future. he proposes in the perfect way and you tease him by saying you'll think about it. you are the couple everyone wishes they were. you wake up next to his smiling face every morning. that is what you deserve.
i hope you do what you love, no matter what anyone else says. i hope you have self-control and patience. i hope you don't procrastinate. but who am i kidding, of course you do.
i wish for all of this for you because you deserve all the happiness in the world, and it's about time you realize that.
realistically, i know that i can't just wish this perfect life for you and know you'll live it to the tee. life stinks. sometimes worse than month old cheese. but you move on. you throw out the nasty cheese and clean the fridge. get over the bad and prepare yourself for the good to come.
i wish you, quite literally, all the best and more.
love,
17 year old you
