City of Shattered Glass

Part 7: Awakening

She drifted out of her body, watching herself from afar. Clary had a feeling this was a message from the Angel, giving her a chance to see the people she loved a last time. Even if she was dying, Clary accepted it. Part of her was broken, would always be broken, no matter how much she tried to fix that shattered part of her. What she'd experienced with her father, it wasn't easy on her conscience. But the only thing that scared her about death was that if there was a life after this, there was no one waiting there for her. She had no family, no friends where she was going. Clary would be alone.

As if waking from a dream, Clary was suddenly aware of someone speaking to her and when she looked, she found that she could see herself again. She was in the Basilias, her body lying in a medical bed, the sheets spread around her. She almost felt sorry for herself because of how crappy she looked. Her body was pale, as it would be in death but at least she wasn't covered in blood anymore and someone had clearly taken a brush to her hair. Clary probably would've let go right then, let go of that small thread she was holding on to if it weren't for the golden haired boy next to her.

It occurred to Clary that he was talking to her and she should probably listen, especially if it was her last chance to hear his voice

"...That's why I love you Clary, why I need you, I'd be nothing without you. Before you found me, I did nothing, felt nothing, but you've changed that. You opened up a part of me that I didn't know about, a part me that wants to be better, better for you. I promise if you stay with me, I won't shut you out. You've already broken down my walls, you just need to wake up to see inside. Please Clary, wake up."

Clary could barely listen. This was Jace talking to her, Jace was asking her to come back to him. This was the boy who had told her that she got in the way, that she messed everything thing up and he was telling her that he wanted her to come back. She would've been crying if that had been possible when she wasn't even in her body. Her heart went out to this boy, wishing she could tell him that she loved him, that he would be okay without her. But she knew Jace too well to know that he would always blame himself, never being happy.

No. She would not die today, she would live, if only for Jace. With all her effort, Clary pushed herself back toward her body, straining against invisible chains that held her back. She pulled and pulled but she couldn't reach her body. No. She yelled though nothing came out of her mouth. No, I won't die. Nothing happened, she pushed and pushed but it was hopeless, she couldn't do it on her own. Clary began to pull back, giving up and telling herself to accept this. She was going to die, and a part of Jace would die with her. Despair began to fill her chest when—

Jace kissed her.

Maybe she couldn't do this alone, but Jace was helping her, in his own way. Clary pulled as hard as she could and then Jace's lips came down on hers again and the invisible chains shattered. She felt his lips as she snapped back into her body. The world darkened but Clary felt her heart beating steadily in her chest. She tried to force her eyes open, but they resisted. When she was finally able to crack them open, Jace was there, his head in his hands. Clary smiled.

"Jace," she said, worshipping the feeling of his name on her lips. Her voice was weak, but it was effective enough to get Jace's head to snap up. He looked at her in disbelief.

"Clary," he said, scrambling to his knees next to her. His eyes pierced through her, making her shiver. She attempted to sit up, but she gasped in pain at the ache in her spine. Jace grabbed her shoulders and pushed her back down to the pillows, "don't try and move," he said, his voice audibly shaking. The warmth of his hands spread through her, making the rest of her feel instantly colder, "Clary I—"

"I heard," she said, her voice rasping, "I heard everything." Her hand shaking, Clary reached out and cupped his cheek. Jace leaned into the touch, his hand moving to cover hers, as if to keep it in place. She brushed her thumb over his cheekbone, feeling his skin beneath her fingers. Home, she was home. She didn't need to be at her apartment or the institute to know that wherever Jace was, that was her home, he was her home.

Jace reached out to touch her face as well but Clary flinched back slightly, instantly regretting it. The reaction was an instinct after what had happened to her, but she still wished she could take it back. The expression on his face was a mix between absolute horror and sorrow, "Clary I'm so sorry, I—I didn't mean to—I just—"

"No," she said, "it's alright." Clary grabbed his hand and brought it to her cheek, showing him it was okay. She knew it would take her time to rebuild herself, but she wouldn't distance herself. Clary knew that her best chance at recovery was if she let others help her through it, nothing would come from pushing others away from her. Still, Clary couldn't imagine ever really telling Jace everything, some things were too painful to revisit. She knew she would never tell him about her brother, about the things he did. Jace would think of her differently, think less of her If he knew the kind of things Jonathan had done, had wanted to do. Jace deserved for her to at least act like she was the same Clary as before, "I don't want to be alone anymore Jace," she said, her voice breaking, "don't leave."

His eyes searched her face, as if he could see all that had been done to her in her expression, "I'm here, Clary, I'm here," pain was evident on his face, "I'm not going anywhere."

Clary's eyes blurred; her cheeks wet. She was crying before she even knew what had come over her. She had to strain herself in order to not collapse in a fit of sobs, her mind finally realizing exactly what had been done to her, "How do I know this isn't another dream? How do I know he isn't in my head again?" Her heart filled with fear, understanding that this could all be fake, one of Valentine's tricks to bring her closer to breaking.

Jace looked at her with nothing but love in his eyes, trying to reassure her, "This is real Clary, this is me. I swear it on the Angel you're not dreaming."

Against her will, Clary let out a broken sob, her body shaking. She didn't know why exactly she was crying; she just knew she needed to let it out. Her body and mind had gone through a traumatizing experience, an experience that had taken something from her and it was something she could never take back. But she was safe now, maybe that was why she was crying, the relief hitting her like a stone. But would she ever really be safe? Valentine had come for her once, he would come for her again. Her father didn't like losing something he thought he owned, just ask her mother.

Clary continued to shake, wrapping her arms around herself as if she could protect herself from her father. When Clary looked up at Jace, she could tell he saw all the hurt in her eyes, that she wasn't okay. She figured she had never been able to hide anything from him before so how could she hide things from him now?

Worry shown on his face as he stammered, "What—What can I do? Clary, please tell me."

She breathed deeply, trying to calm herself enough to speak. Clary nudged her way father to the opposite side of the medical bed then lightly touched the place next to her, "Just," she said in between sobs, "hold me?"

Jace's expression broke, "Oh Clary." He stood and crawled onto the bed next to her. Clary needed this, for someone just to hold her, for her to feel safe, and she did. If anything could make her feel safe it was Jace. As he lay down next to her he paused, looking down at her, a question in his eyes. She nodded and Jace encircled her in his strong arms, holding her against his chest. Clary clutched his shirt in her fists as her sobs receded, his body warming her down to her bones. Resting her head against his chest and soaking it with tears, he stroked her hair. Together. They would do this together. She was here, in Alicante again. She wasn't alone anymore, she had her family, her friends back. But something in Clary still feared that she would wake up again to the pain that always was there when she woke. If this wasn't real, Clary would not come back from this one. This time it would be too much for her

She looked up to see Jace's eyes closed, his breathing steady. At least he was going to sleep well, Clary knew she wouldn't get a good night's rest for a while. She flattened her hand against his heart and as she felt the steady beat beneath her skin, Clary kept her eyes wide open, too afraid to fall asleep.