Drowning Under Humanity

Thoughts Behind a Shower Curtain

I'm so sick of fighting.
I'm so sick of crying.
I'm so sick of breaking down once I'm inside and have a moment to myself.
Crying behind my bedroom door...
No one usually notices.
No one usually checks on me.

I'm tired of feeling weak,
Feeling like I'm not "good enough."
Feeling and being told that I'm just a bad person to add to the mix.
But...
isn't family supposed to Love & Support you?

I think we've all heard that sort of lie.
That they are supposed to be there through your pain...
but what if they're causing it?
And why would they be there unless it benefits them somehow?
Then what?

Then you fend for yourself.
Not knowing how to be strong anymore,
Not knowing how to put up the show
and hide behind the mask.
Not even knowing how to cope,
At least in a healthy way.

Things are getting better, you see it.
But in the end there is still the pain you inflicted upon yourself.
The self hatred.
The regrets.
The fact that you're broke and are a complete mess. But of course you're not good enough.
Who would want someone like you?

Someone that has been used,
Someone that people call earl fish for just wanting to be herself and expand more on what life really is.
Someone that can't handle life itself because it's all just too much.

Why do people say they love you and then hurt you?
Why are people so judgmental of others just because they are different and don't share the same opinion?
And then they wonder why "the world" is so cruel.
It's not the world.
It's the people in the world that are cruel.

Why are we here?
What's the point of living?
Why was I born?
What's my purpose?
I ask myself these questions a lot.
It could be taken to sound suicidal but I think it's normal to be curious.
But didn't curiosity kill the cat?
What is the pony of staying unless you have a purpose or a destiny?
Why is life even a thing?

I hope that there is nothing after life because if there is hell is probably the place.