Dream Journal

Long Time Ago

This really isn't a dream, I just want to tell you guys something. A long time ago I would wake up in the morning and remember my dreams and play them out all day. Some days I'll remember a dream I had forever ago and just smile to myself.

When I was about seven my parents divorced, that's when the nightmares started. Any child that sees their parents fight all the time comes to the conclusion it might just be their fault. At least that's what I thought. I had a couple of reoccuring nightmares, but there was one that really set me over the edge. I don't remember that nightmare very well, I just know that it was terrible and I would always wake up crying covered in sweat. 

After the nightmares started I begged and begged God to take my dreams away. Make it so I couldn't remember them in the morning. I begged Mother Earth, God, just about any diety religious figure I could think of with my little brain. I begged them that I couldn't remember the nightmares in the morning. 

My prayers were answered, I stopped remembering the nightmares in the morning, but I also started to forget what my good dreams were about. I just kind of accepted it. I forgot all about asking for them to be taken away. My imagination just kind of stopped working too.

I stopped talking to myself, sounds like its' a good thing right? Well, that's how I play a story out instead of writing and rewriting it. I used to lay in bed close my eyes and project myself into any scene I wanted. I remember laying on my water bed, arms crossed over my chest, I would think about walking through a city in Full Metal Alchemist. I'd see Ed and Al, skip over to them and I could feel Ed's warm hand on mine, hear Al's metal clang on the rocks under his feet. I could run with Naruto through the trees and pet a Vulpix with Brock. After my dreams stopped, I couldn't fully do that anymore either. I can still sort of project myself into a scene if I'm super passionate about it.

So my advice to anyone having nightmares or who are in a part of their life that is begging for their dreams to be taken away, please don't. When you do this you lose a little part of yourself. I regret it every day. I've been trying to regain my ability to remember my dreams and even to lucid dream. That's where you can control your dreams. Slowly it's been working, but not very much and it's been almost 20 years now.