Sanders Sides Songs Story

Cry if You Want To (Epilogue)

Virgil was in a weird place.

Roman was still freaking out. For a year, he had been dating Deceit. He had kissed Deceit. Deceit had hurt him badly. Though it was Deceit, he still couldn't look Logan in the eye. He knew what Logan's face and voice were like when he was yelling at Roman for being an idiot, tearing him down. At the same time, he knew what his face and voice were like when Roman pulled him in to kiss him. And now he knew what Logan's face and voice were like when he didn't remember anything had happened between them – because nothing had.

Logan was trying to integrate himself into a life he hadn't lived for a year. A life which had changed. He watched the videos he hadn't really been in and found that Deceit was very good at being him (other than the singing). Logan noticed how Roman acted around him. He couldn't hold a conversation. It saddened Logan to a degree he had never felt before to know that Roman was at some point in love with him – both because he did not return the feeling and because Roman had been taken advantage of because of it. Deceit had used the prince as a plaything.

Virgil had known for a long time that Patton was in love with Logan. It didn't take a genius to see that he treated Logan differently. Of course, that hadn't made him any less happy for him and Roman when they started dating. Virgil suspected even Patton wasn't always in touch with his feelings – he figured Patton hadn't realised how deep his feelings for Logan went. He could be wrong, he supposed, but he had a lot of evidence. When Patton needed to rant about how great Logan was, he tended to come to Virgil. Now, Patton had to learn to love him again, even just as a friend, after truly despising him because of what he did (didn't do) to Roman. Virgil was sure he would fall in love with him again, but it would take time, and none of them could forget who he was (wasn't) during the past year or so.

Thomas was a fucking mess. He wasn't doing very well getting video ideas, he had trouble solving even simple problems sometimes, and he had cried himself to sleep for no apparent reason more often than not for a while.

This left Virgil as the most mentally stable. Hence, Virgil was in a weird place. He found himself comforting everyone.

~~~~

When Roman came to Virgil's room sputtering about Logan and Deceit, he hugged him tight and told him it was okay. They laid on Virgil's bed as Roman sobbed into Virgil's shoulder. "Cry if you want to. I won't tell you not to. I won't try to cheer you up. I'll just be here if you want me."

~~~~

When he heard staggered breathing from Logan's room on the way to his own, he knocked softly and called out to him. Logan opened the door for him, looking almost composed. "You okay?" When Logan nodded, Virgil shook his head and sighed. "I'm not stupid, Logan. Lemme in." Logan stepped to the side without saying a word, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. Virgil turned to him and asked again, "Are you okay?"

"No," Logan sobbed. "But I'm supposed to be."

"Supposed to be?"

"I'm Logic," Logan tried to explain. Virgil winced at the memory of everyone saying Logic instead of Logan. "I'm not supposed to be like this."

"Nobody expects you to be put together after all the shit you've gone through."

"I didn't even go through anything! I was unconscious for a year. You had to go through everything while I was gone."

"Logan, you absolute moron." Logan seemed surprised at that. "There's no use in keeping a stiff upper lip. You can weep, you can sleep, you can loosen your grip. You can frown, you can drown and go down with the ship. You can cry if you want to." Logan studied the floor and straightened his glasses.

"Yea," Logan replied. "I'm a moron."

"Fucking Christ, that is not what you were supposed to take from that."

"I-I just can't handle how Patton and Roman look at me. Like I hurt them. It makes me feel like I hurt them, and I didn't. It doesn't make sense. I'm sorry." Logan wiped tears from his eyes. Virgil sat on Logan's bed and gestured for him to do the same. He did, avoiding the other Side's gaze.

"Don't ever apologize venting your pain. It's something to me you don't need to explain. I don't need to know why. I don't think you're insane. You can cry if you want to." And he did. For an hour, Virgil sat with him. Even after he stopped crying, he sat at a respectful distance and listened to him talk.

~~~~

When he went a whole day without seeing Patton, he went to his room and knocked. Patton opened his door with a grin. "Heya, Virge! What's up, kiddo?"

This time, Virgil didn't bother asking if he was okay – he knew how Patton's room encouraged him to deny his bad feelings. Instead, he stated, "You're not okay." Patton's smile changed but didn't go away.

"Of course I am. We have Logan back."

"If you were just happy to have him back, you'd be stuck to him like glue. You haven't left your room in almost two days. You are not okay. Let me in." Patton did, his smile fading, as Virgil entered. He hated the feeling of forced happiness this place gave him, but he'd deal with it for Patton. Virgil closed the door and led Patton to the bean bags at the back of his room. He didn't like bean bags either, but Patton did, so he sat down and dragged Patton down with him. Patton giggled.

"Stop it."

"Stop what, kiddo?"

"Stop pretending to be happy. Every time I see you smile, I'm gonna burn a photo album."

"I—"

"If it's better with me than to do it alone, I'll draw all the curtains and unplug the phone. You can cry if you want to."

"Virgil, I'm fine, I—" Virgil picked up a scrapbook and materialised a lighter. "No, don't!"

"You can start at the ceiling, tear at your hair, swallow your feelings and stagger and swear. You can show things, and throw things and I wouldn't care. You can cry if you want to." Patton burst into tears and told Virgil about falling in and out of love with Logan, and about having him back.

~~~~

When Virgil noticed that Thomas was awake later than usual, he rose up into his bedroom to find him crying in bed. He sat on the other side of the bed and put a hand on Thomas' shoulder. "Hey." Thomas looked up at him with teary eyes.

"Are you guys okay?" Thomas asked. "Because this can't be real."

"If you're feeling it, it's real. Even if it is our fault." Thomas smiled.

"Thanks, Virge."

"When it's empty and ugly and terribly sad, I can't feel what you feel but I know it feels bad. I know that it's real and it makes you so mad. But you can cry." Virgil sat by Thomas until his sobbing breaths evened out and he slept.

~~~~

Virgil spent a lot of time helping everyone else. He told Logan, "No, I won't make fun of you." He told Patton, "I won't tell anyone." He told Roman, "I won't analyse what you did or you should have done." He told Thomas, "I won't advise you to go and have fun."

You can cry if you want to

Though he spent a lot of time helping everyone else, he found that everyone noticed more when he wasn't doing well too. Patton realised just how many panic attacks he really had, and Logan learned that he had them in the first place. They were all there for him more now.

"Cry if you want to," from Patton. 

"I won't tell you not to," from Logan.

"I won't try to cheer you up," from Thomas.

"I'll just be here if you want me to be near you," from Roman.

Eventually, Virgil was able to get them all to talk to each other (that is, he got everyone to talk to Logan). They would be okay.