Another Story

I Curse Thyself

Beyond who I am, I shall shatter a remnant of my soul and cast a curse upon it.

This heart that won't even allow me to hate you will be imprisoned and frozen deep beneath my darkness.

For this few moments, I'll force myself to hate you. Amidst this gut wrenching anxiety and pain that has no one to be communicated with, I'll continue to curse myself and then I'll come to learn to hate you for a few precious moments of my life.

Knowing myself,  I'll still continue to worry and care about your well-being even after all of this.

That's why, while I'm still able to retain all this negative emotions I have for you inside of me, I'll set it all free in here.

I don't hate you, but to be honest, I can't. Not only because I am in no position to hate you but because you were once someone very dear to me.

It's just that your intense animosity towards me has turned you into something that I have come to hate. The original fault lies within me anyway, you've already had plenty of chances to speak shit about me behind my back. You've already cursed at me for a few times right?

This time, I'll try to mimic you and try to become like you, so bear with me.

I'll turn into a devil like how you deeply wished for me to become.

The devil's origin was within me, but as for you, a cowardly kind monster was what I have awoken inside of you.

For every one thing I hate about you, I'll curse myself as well.

Curse Thyself, for I betrayed the trust you had on me and you had to go through so much pain for so long just to end it in such a manner.

I hate how you were able to turn a blind eye for the you that knew the real me. It's like we never saw eye to eye before and you were not able to tell apart my lies and truth from one another. You were blinded by pain and hate and I don't blame you for that.

Curse Thyself, for I am different from you. A coward that has no bearing nor a heart to care for one's own existence.

I hate how fragile your kindness was, every time you say or promise something, the opposite always happens.

Curse Thyself, for I always believed in you and I never once thought of giving up on you.

I hate you for how different you become when you are surrounded by people who all believe in you. Your tears that elicit the greatest sympathy from the others, and the excruciating pain that I had to control that came with it.

Curse Thyself, for I never truly thought of you badly. I knew you were kind and weak willed at the same time, I liked that part of you as well because I long understood that it was part of who you are.

I hate the fact that you were able to share my secrets to others and how you eventually used it against me.

Curse Thyself, for every time my emotions become a little uncontrollable, it made me uglier for the eyes that were looking at me.

I hate you for showing me a hint or a chance to try and fix what could be fixed, but always changed due to pressure and encounters from the people around you.

Curse Thyself, for each time something bad and painful happened, I never thought of blaming you because I knew you were having a hard time, more than me.

I hated the way you looked at me when you saw me talking to another girl. Did you really think I was such a person after all the years that you've known me? Or perhaps you felt that you were establishing justice and keeping the innocents safe out of the villain's hand. Fuck you then.

Curse Thyself, for I always thought of what can I possibly do for you and how I bothered you as we fell down the sky midway our journey.

I hate you for not answering me back then, if you directly answered me to leave your life alone. I would not have persisted so much and we could have avoided so much pain and misery.

Curse Thyself, for I always miss your absence in a part of my life which you should have been with me.

I hate you, because at this point, you're the person I fear the most in this world.

Curse Thyself for, whenever my body starts to writhe in pain, because of you. I still think everything's my fault and you have not done a single thing that is wrong. In contrary, I yearn to see you from time to time to at least see your face and see how you're doing.

I hate you, for the sole reason that you are someone I can only hate for these few moments of writing this. The next moment, I'll still think of you and how could have things gone differently if I did not betray the trust you had on me.

Now that a few minutes have already passed, all these feelings have gone their separate ways and took their journey towards eternal slumber.

Don't worry, these feelings will probably fade some time in the future, the same as yours.

I'll still wish the best for you and still cling on the impossible hope of restarting over again. 

Time's almost up, try not to get in trouble anymore.

Because if I ever come to know that you were in a position that you'll require more help than what other people can provide for you.

I'll come back to your side again, even in the shadows.

For a simple reason, I can move mountains and seas for you.

And if you were to ask me what is that reason, then I'll tell you right here.

You're an irreplaceable person inside my soul.