Short Breaks 1-20 - Complete

The Unfortunate Cheese Incident

The Unfortunate Cheese Incident

Did you know that most cats are lactose intolerant? Let me tell you the story of how I learned this.

My former partner, whom we'll call John, and I, – the breakup had nothing to do with this incident, though, perhaps it should have – were moving across the great United States. We had a carload of possessions and three cats, in carriers. Two of these cats were mine. One was not.

Tiger was John's cat and he was a beautiful Mackerel Tabby; brown and gray striped with an "M" on his forehead. John, bless his heart and damn his soul, wanted to reassure Tiger that all would be well; the cat could tell that something was up and was acting anxious.

Unbeknownst to me, John decided to give Tiger a treat... a treat of creamy queso cheese – before it was melted – the night before we left. Yes, cheese with a high percentage of lactose. Tiger, of course, thought it was delicious (who doesn't like queso cheese?) and ate the entire piece.

Wait for it...

We were two hours into our drive when it started to rain. It was not just rain, but one of those deluges that makes you fear for your life enough to slow down.

Driving along at twenty miles an hour, we begin to hear a low, soft cry from Tiger. The other cats were crying, too; the rain was that bad. But, Tiger became more and more insistent.

All too soon, a smell like we had never smelled before wafted up to the front of the car. This smell... how to describe it? It was reminiscent of the green diaper bombs that infants can subject us to and fetid swamp water, all rolled into one.

The other cats began to wail louder. So did we.

With tears in our eyes, we had to drive on... at twenty miles an hour... in rain so heavy that we would surely drown had we rolled down a window. The next stop was fifteen miles away. No amount of air conditioning or fan helped quell that stench.

It was the hell you always read about; endless torture with the devil laughing in elation.

We managed to survive and John was able to clean up Tiger. Both he and John were relatively quiet for the rest of the three-day trip... and there was no more cheese given.