A Leap of Faith

Jump

The blue dress I had picked out last night was neatly on the bed. My room was tidied, my bed had been made, and the note was on the pillow. I pulled the dress over my head and put my shoes on. For once I didn’t have to double check whether I had my phone, or purse, or keys, or travel card because I wouldn’t need any of it where I was going. Slowly I opened my bedroom door and crept across the landing and down the stairs. The air inside the house was hot and claustrophobic so it was a huge relief to step outside into the cool air. I pulled the front door shut and began walking down my road.

For a while I didn’t think about anything. For weeks my mind had been constantly racing over details that didn’t matter but now I just felt numb. Before, the thought of what I was about to do scared me and left me crying myself to sleep. But now it calmed me, and made me feel so peaceful and happy. The whole idea of falling asleep forever, of being the virgin suicide for my town now appealed to me. I turned right at the end of the road, then left to walk down past the church. I didn’t plan this route specifically for the church, but walking past it made me feel even more comforted and reassured about the later events of the night.

The road came to a dead end - cut off by a fence and then a thick row of trees. I climbed through a gap in the fence and made it a couple of metres before I could already hear the traffic on the other side. About a minute later I stepped out onto another pavement, but it wasn’t as quiet as before. Cars roared by as they were now out of the town’s 30mph zone and sped underneath the bridge to their own destinations. My destination however was the bridge itself. I began to feel a chill on my arms seeing as I didn’t have a jacket, but I didn’t want to wear one. I wanted to wear my favourite dress, and I just didn’t happen to own a jacket that went with it.

I headed up the stairs to the top of the bridge and took in what was around me. The metal railing was ice cold and the walkway was almost as black as the sky. Some of the pavement jutted out beyond the railings so it would be easy to stand on there with a good foothold. Trying to be as dignified as possible, I sat on the rail then slowly swung my legs over until my feet touched solid ground again. My hands already hurt from gripping on to the bar so tightly, but I wasn’t prepared to let go just yet. In the past few days even if I was calmed by the thought of this bridge there was always a nagging feeling about how my grades weren’t good enough, my stomach wasn’t small enough, my face wasn’t pretty enough - I just wasn’t enough. But standing up here was so peaceful; my mind was one hundred per cent blissfully silent. All it would take was one leap, nothing more. Just a leap of faith and I would be happy. I took in a deep breath, appreciating the isolation of where I was standing. No one could bother me here. No one would think about coming to get me from a bridge.

Suddenly I felt the railing jolt, and the sight before me made me jump so much I almost lost my grip. The noise I made by stumbling provoked a scream - because someone else had just climbed over the railing next to me. We stared at each other for a few seconds to check that it was real. I soon looked away, feeling beyond awkward about the situation. “Jessie,” I heard a voice say. I looked back at the stranger next to me, and she repeated, “Jessie. My name’s Jessie.” I was lost for words, so instead studied her to try and figure out why she was here. She was in jeans, converses, and a hoodie. Nothing special, but she probably felt herself in those clothes. Eventually I managed to stammer, “I… I’m Eva. It’s spelt with an E but pronounced Ava.” Jessie smiled, and I noticed she had beautiful lips. She was very beautiful in general, which made me wonder what on earth she was doing up here in the same position as me.

Before either of us had a chance to speak again the sharp sound of sirens cut through the silence. Blue lights flashed beneath us and as we looked down we saw two police cars stopped in the road. A policeman stepped out of one of the cars with a megaphone in his hand. “You up there, please come down immediately!” he bellowed. Neither Jessie nor I moved an inch; we were still in shock from all the unexpected events of the night. “If you come down, we will take you home and we can talk to your parents about this calmly and rationally!” I shot a look of panic at Jessie, and it seemed she didn’t like the sound of that either. Time was running out, another police officer was already climbing the stairs up to the bridge presumably to bring us back down safely. “I can’t! My mum…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. God knows what my mum would do if I was brought home in a police car after trying to kill myself. “I know,” Jessie replied, “We have to run.” As quickly as possible we swung our legs back over the railing just as the second police officer reached the top of the stairs.

Jessie grabbed my hand and we ran as fast as possible. “Hey!” we heard the policeman shout behind us, “We just need to talk to you!” Maybe he was telling the truth, but what he failed to mention was that after they had spoken to us, we would then have to talk to a doctor, and a therapist, and probably countless of other tedious people. Jessie seemed to know where she was going, as if she planned the one thing that I didn’t – an escape route. A few minutes later we were leaning against a wall, panting and out of breath after the narrow escape. Once I had caught my breath Iooked at Jessie and merely said, “Thanks.” She waved her hand as if to say ‘don’t worry about it’ and took in several more deep breaths. Some nearby street lights enabled me to see her in more detail – she had beautiful mid length brown hair, and judging by a glint of light reflecting off her nose I’m guessing she also had a small nose piercing.

We spent five minutes just in silence, until Jessie said, “Are you okay?”

“I’m alright now, I think. Thanks… again. How are you?”

“I’ll be fine. Tomorrow it will be like this never even happened, just go into school and act like normal,” Jessie explained. We spoke briefly about school – we had in common that we were both starting Year 12 tomorrow. Jessie was probably not even from my town, I hadn’t seen her around before, so I didn’t bother telling her where I was going to school and neither did she. “How do you think the police knew we were up there?” I wondered aloud.

“Maybe someone driving under the bridge saw us and rang them?” Jessie suggested. It seemed to make sense, and I secretly began to hate whoever that person was.

“Well I should probably head home,” I said. Jessie agreed, and then she said something that really made me smile. “Take care of yourself.”  It was something that meant a lot, a complete stranger saying that. I replied with a nod and said, “You too,” and we departed ways. I walked towards the streetlights and recognised the road I was on, and then started walking home. All I could do was pray that my mum hadn’t read the note on my pillow yet.

I reached my front door and realised that I had no way of getting in – I had left my house keys indoors, not exactly expecting to need them anymore. Frantically I lifted up various different flowerpots that were clustered outside the front of my house. Eventually I found a spare key under a pot of very strong smelling lavender, and quietly let myself in. I crept back up the stairs, but before reaching my room I opened a door to my right as silently as possible. In the dim light I could just about make out the shape of my younger brother lying in bed fast asleep. His arm was tightly wrapped around a blue toy dog and if I strained my ears I could hear him breathing heavily as he dreamed. He was the only family I cared about, and seeing him now was probably the only good that would come out of tonight. I shut the door and headed into my room, not wanting to disturb Ethan any more. Instantly I grabbed the note from my pillow and shoved it into the back of my drawer. Feeling exhausted, I slid my dress up over my head, kicked off my shoes, and pulled on a large night shirt before climbing into bed. Seconds passed before my head started to race with thoughts again, and I let out a loud sigh as I realised that everything was like Jessie said – as if nothing had happened at all.