It's cool isn't it?
It's cool how I got kicked out of my bed. I was supposed to be sleeping next to my cousin in my own bed but she kicked me out because I don't let her "sleep well". I know it's not supposed to hurt this much but with everything else going on in my life, it adds up and then I explode letting it all out at once, only to be recognised as "selfish".
It's cool though, my life is pretty cool, the way even my family members run away from me, isn't it cool?
And the way my friends get scared of me, isn't it cool?
The way I cried last time in class when they brought up triggering subjects, the way I happen to cry a lot lately, so cool!
It's so darn cool how no one wants me in here. So freaking cool how I think about leaving and committing suicide every single day!
But do I regret anything I did? No, heck no! I don't regret a single thing, not even a single word I've said: because every shit that has happened to me made me who I am today.
If it weren't for the worst things that happened I would've never known who actually cares, which is nobody in most cases.
If it weren't for the good things that happened I wouldn't have known who is jealous of my smile and who's happy for my happiness, and that would also be a nobody.
I do not and will not EVER regret anything in my entire life. Not a single scar thats is traced over my fat body. Nothing. However, I feel like literally everything pisses me off all the time. I mean, if I have to mention everything that annoys me I could write a book; Of course, it wouldn't be good because nothing I do is good enough, I am not good enough.
I can't sing right, play guitar well or even piano. I can't write well, I can't even cut right! My scars only hurt for seconds, they're not enough of a reminder that I'm alive... I don't know if I breathe well too... Obviously not, if I did, I wouldn't have been such a burden for everyone.
Sometimes, it gets to me a lot and I just can't help but overthink everything. Right now, whilst writing, I feel like I'm about to have an anxiety attack, I feel my heart hammering against my chest, and I'm trembling, I feel like I'm about to pass out and I'm crying, my tears wetting the papers beneath me.
I thought recovery was an easy road, 19 days clean and I still find it hard not to cut. What happened today with Mia was the worst. I can't do anything, I can't even think straight, it's like I'm mentally paralysed.
I just want to lock myself in my shell for once and never ever come out.
That was written on January 3rd 2014.
Elxx
