Are You Awake?

|A thousand knives|

"S-Shan?" a small, shaky voice woke Shannon. She reached up, rubbed her eyes and gazed over at the alarm clock on her nightstand, sighing when she read 3:26 a.m. Small cries came from beside Shannon's bed and quickly the brunette sat up and looked around her room. Her heart broke when she saw her little sister, Casey, at the end of her bed with tears streaming down her face. The brunette pushed her duvet to the side and opened her arms for Casey. The smaller girl immediately crawled into her sister's arms and took a hold of Shannon's shirt, balling it up in her tiny hands, while her body shook with chocked sobs.

The sight reminded Shannon of the night everything changed. The night she let her soul out. The night she lost her father. The night her six-year-old self, ran into her parents' bedroom, crying, no longer able to hide. She had, just like Casey, crawled right into her mother's lap and balled her mother's shirt up in her hands. She remembered burying her face in her mom's chest, soaking the material. Her mother, afraid they would wake Jim, carried Shannon out of her bedroom and into Shannon's room. She sat down on her daughter's bed and cradled her in her arms, whispering softly into Shannon's ear to calm her down.

Debbie had watched Shannon struggle with herself for so long and she had a feeling that night would change their lives. She had a feeling, deep inside of her, that was the night Shannon would finally help her understand. And she did. Debbie sat silently in her daughter's bed, waiting for her to tell her what was going on, praying this wasn't just another bad dream. She sat with Shannon, in her bed, for well two hours before Shannon dared to open her mouth, and Debbie didn't know if she had heard right.

She didn't know if Shannon had just told her what she thought she had, or if she had heard wrong. It wouldn't be that hard to hear wrong, considering Shannon's face was still hidden in her mother's chest. But she hadn't heard wrong. Debbie had heard right. That night changed both of their lives forever. She had her little six-year-old son in her arms, telling her how she wasn't her son – she was her daughter. Debbie remembered exactly what Shannon had told her that night, word for word and so did Shannon; "I am not Shane, mommy."

The day after, Debbie took Shannon out to get ice cream. She wanted Shannon out of the house so she could talk to her daughter about the night before, without her husband around. She had a feeling this wouldn't be as easy for her husband to accept as it was for her. She had watched her daughter struggle for so long and when Shannon finally broke down and told her what was going on, Debbie didn't even think of questioning the girl's soul. And when they sat in the ice cream parlor the day after Shannon's confession, Debbie knew she had made the right choice in trusting the small child the night before.

That day Debbie sat for hours doing research, trying to find out what to do with her daughter's situation. Eventually she found a clinic that dealt with Gender Dysphoria in children. She scheduled an appointment with a doctor and a therapist specialized in cases like Shannon's. When they got to the clinic the next day, they got sent in to a doctor and soon Shannon went with a therapist by herself, while Debbie stayed with the doctor, explaining the night before and the small signs throughout Shannon's life she now realized what had meant.

The doctor explained what would happen if Shannon got diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria, as a child as young as Shannon had to be to be taken seriously medically. He told Debbie about the different treatments they could choose if Shannon wanted to stop her male-puberty, when that came, and eventually help start her female-puberty instead. Debbie was handed a file with the different medications they could put her daughter on. The first on the list was Anti-androgens, Lupron Depot, or Testosterone blockers. The doctor explained that the blockers would stop her male-puberty, meaning she wouldn't get the normal growth of facial hair or spontaneous and morning erections. Though, she would still be able to get erections in the future and there was a chance of her still being able to penetrate when she reached an age where that would be something she could potentially want to do. But he didn't want to start her on them until she was showing signs of early puberty. "Probably around the age of ten to twelve," the doctor told her.