Wattitude Magazine - September 2012

13 - The Art of Small Talk

"The Art of Small Talk" by Suicidal_Optomists_

     Small talk. Tedious, repetitive small talk. Everyone's done it. Initiated it. Avoided it. But what nobody realizes is that it's basically... an art.

     Believe it or not, being able to be the greatest small talk in all the isles of my native land (England) is more than a nifty tool. Small talk is not a way to get to know people. Ever. It's a way to pass time without being too socially awkward. They say. But it can be used in more than one way. You can accidently drift into conversation. In fact, that's how a lot of Brits make friends. But you're the one who has to decide whether to make or break the conversation.

     Those who wish to move to Britain- perk your ears (erm, eyes).

-The Approach-

It's not just a stereotype that we Brits absolutely adore talking about the weather. There could be nothing truer. Even after living next to my neighbor for the past three years and actually playing, conversing with her child and her spending time with my mother, we still end up talking about the weather.

     It's not a bad place to start. If you are the "approacher" it's good to start on weather. They already have a response for that question the minute they step outside, or wake up. It's rare to hear about someone starting small talk without the weather.

     If you are the "approachee", try to make your answer as neutral as possible, or better yet, theirs but rearranged. If you don't agree with their answer then tough puppies. There are no opinions in small talk. If the approacher says it's scorching hot then you take that sentence, rearrange it and reply. Even if you disagree, you put it as mildly as possible.

Example:

     Person A: Wow, it's miserable today!

     Person B: Could be worse though.

     If you state your opinion very clearly, the person will look at you in disgust and immediately list you as that weird lookin' fella and come and shoot you in the night. Not really, but they will avoid you like a plague.

          -We Don't-

     We don't want to know too much about your life. Again, it's just a way to pass time without seeming rude.

     If someone asks how you are... you're fine. It's pre-determined. Nobody wants to know that you've got a cold, flu, the measles, herpes, cancer- anything and everything! It's a big fat English NO!

     Reason? It's depressing. And likely they don't give two hoots. And you shouldn't give two hoots either. There is a strict list of who you should tell how you're realy feeling- and it can be counted on your two hands: mother, father, sibling, pet, good friends, best friends, and boy/girlfriend.

     No compliments either. We get embarrassed and, erm, frightened (unless both parties are flirting or one is obviously interested in the other, in that case, it's totally cool to compliment). We usually feel as though we should compliment you back immediately and take a good long scan of you and try to pick out something we like. Don't be that b*tch. Don't be that person who compliments the people who they strictly have small talk with. It's not cool, man.

     Slapstick and silly humor doesn't do it for us. So when you joke about something "silly" or "slapstick", don't expect a roaring laugh out of that Brit's mouth. Whether we're aware of it or not, we view silly and slapstick humor as childish. We used to watch that kind of humor when we were eleven and under. Irony and sarcasm is where it's at. Dirty jokes are to be discussed tightly between chosen family members and very close friends. Don't even think about telling jokes of the sexual nature outside of these groups. Location counts, too- never in public. Extremely discreet, in the home, Don't even text it, 'cause they log those things. You know what, you're better off using your telepathic powers to send the jokes to each other.

          -To Drift Into Conversation-

     If you're pretty sure that you want to befriend this person, and they want to befriend you as well, then adding detail to your answers will be a sure win. Previously you've been giving pretty basic answers- not too much detail, not too little. Add more interests, hoping that they catch onto one of them and you have a long conversation about it.

          -Physicality and Other Things-

     Smiling for longer than seven seconds upon meeting is creepy. After the greet, you drop your face into a neutral expression.

     Nod, nod, nod away when they say something. Till your head falls off.

     Don't stand too close that you can smell their hair or see the scar on their face that they got when they were six. Don't stand so far off that they're practically shouting.

     Eye contact is... tricky. Don't look them in the eye for too long- it can become unsettling.

          -Goodbyes-

     Depending on your circumstance, the goodbye can be initiated by your surroundings (waiting for a form of public transport), a text or call (the person will silence and occupy themselves while you respond to your text/call, therefore ending the conversation), and last but not least... silence. When there is nothing more to be discussed, English people tend not to be the person who stops the conversation; instead, they let it take its natural course of... silence. It's extremely uncomfortable, so I highly recommend you leave the area for some dodgy reason if this ends so.

     Never, ever, ever, in the love of Oreos, just drop someone and say "Okay, bye, I'm bored". Or anything along those lines. Many people would rather endure excruciating silence than do that. The person will make sure that every friend they have will know of you and your, by English standards, "rude" ways- until eventually, a lot of people will bluntly ignore you or avoid you.

          --

Well, there you have it- some tips on how to converse with a middle class, Middlander/Southerner from England (not too sure on the Scots and Welsh... but then again nobody ever is). Small talk in England is similar to that in dating- except you're trying to get away from each other and sure as heck not bump uglies.