This Is How You Lose Yourself

no.14. the invisible, non-existent baby

"Remind me," I say, shoving microwave popped popcorn into my face. "Why do we watch this utter shit again?" Apparently, one of the actors just made a funny so someone in post hits the button on the sound board that expels a breathless bout of fake, demonic laughter. Seriously, it's scary.

Sadie laughs along with the demons. "Because it shows the hilarious trials and tribulations of today's modern unconventional family," Sadie says simply, content with her response.

"Why do I need to watch TV to do that when I could just go home?" She chucks a handful of popcorn at my face and I attempt to catch the buttery kernels with my mouth.

"There is no substance!"

"Substance is irrelevant."

"The sound of canned laughter is burning my ears."

"There, look!" Sadie points wildly at the credits rolling on the TV screen, "It's over." My tactic was to hate on the TV show to distract Sadie for the next two hours, and it worked. It annoyed her to her wit's end and we did not speak a word of the mayhap pregnancy. I am momentarily distracted by the change of light displayed by the television, commercials and advertisements are playing now. ("How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" "Leggo my Eggo!")

Then comes a compilation of inspiring phases: love yourself, low self-esteem can be overcome, you are beautiful, self-love, positive body images. Women standing proudly and smiling, and I imagine myself cowering in their dominating presence. Supermodels plucked off a runway, here to tell me it's okay, just love yourself.

But sometimes, I find, inspiration comes too late.

"What BS," Sadie says, mouth full of popcorn. But who is she to complain? With her above average looks, shiny brunette hair, and eyes that carry a strange twinkle to them, almost as if they were diamonds or some other precious stone. It seemed like I adapted my personality to who I was with. With Sadie, it was all bubbly and sparkles. With Quinn, I was all snarky and flustered. With my mom, I was worried and angry. And with everyone else, I didn't give two shits. But now, the bubbles were fizzling out, the comebacks were getting repetitive, the anger was making me depressed, and everything else was all wrong. It all just needed to stop. I needed a break.

"Umm, Sadie?" I utter softly, hoping that just maybe I wouldn't be heard. She hears me nonetheless and raising an eyebrow as if to ask what? "I need to use the bathroom, which one should I use?" And I don't, I don't need to use the bathroom. I just need a place where I can calmly calculate my escape from existence. A quick one, at that.

Her eyebrows don't settle back to their normal place, resting on undeniable tension, "Use the one upstairs, Mom cleans that one obsessively for some reason."

Once again, I'm sprinting up the same stairs and am, once again, making my way down the same hallway but this time it's different. Because I am suddenly pinned to the wall next to a small storage closet. I yelp on impact and look up to see Quinn hovering over me, this time I gasp. Someone staple my lips shut so that I can stop making these weird noises. I'm trapped in between his hands, which lay close to each of my ears; and here I was, planning an escape. But he's just so close and my skin burns at the proximity. Someone has poured lighter fluid over my head and my skin ignites, it's too late to reverse it now.

"I knew you were hiding from me." I was expecting a smirk in his words but he's just making direct eye contact with me, and it feels much too...intimate. My mind can't choose between flattery or abort mission! I just might throw up.

"No, what makes you think that?" He stares at me blankly, unbelieving, like: you know better, I can't be fooled by foolish lies told by fools. And he's smart, much smarter than I give him credit for. I elaborate, "I was just going to the bathroom." Too close too close too close. He reaches down the length of my arm to play with the tips of my fingers. I want to retract these fingers, I want to do so so much with these fingers, but I'm frozen. Simply stuck, glued to the ground below me, the only thing keeping me upright at the moment.