This Is How You Lose Yourself

no.5. where's the beef?

"I don't know if I want to tell you everything just yet." He starts. He's spending all his money buying time. "I don't think you're ready for the whole story just yet." He searches my eyes. "I don't want to scare you off."

  Something in his eyes makes me melt. I'm butter of a hot pan and my face sizzling embarrassingly. It doesn't help that I'm starving. "It seems like you don't want a lot of things." I reply.

  "I can't deny that." He says looking down, eyeing my hand that is currently resting on the doorstep, beside me.

  "Come on. I promise you won't scare me away." I urge. I was being so blatantly pushy that it made me wonder how it's been so long and I haven't scared him away yet.

  He places his arms behind him on the doorstep, his fingers almost touching mine. And his lips tug upwards for a second. "We're not playing twenty questions, are we? 'Cause I'm not up for that shît."

  "Who said I wanted to? That game really is shît, it's boring." I reply with a fake yawn.

  He grins. "I guess you wouldn't need to play it because you've already asked me over twenty questions in the past few hours."

  I grimace. He notices and touches his fingertips to mine and I freeze as he interlocks his hand with mine. Therefore, I lose balance because that hand was the only thing supporting my weight. I lose balance right into his lap. Is anyone counting how many times I've blushed today? Because someone needs to add another tally.

  If humans could turn into a tomato and spontaneously combust, then that's what happened to me.

  I push myself up in record speed and act like nothing ever happened. I deserve a gold medal for that speed. Quinn laughs loudly, as if what had happened was uproariously funny. I fücking hate myself.

  "What are you laughing at? It was all your fault." I say, angered, embarrassed, and with a few mental curse words.

  "Are you embarrassed, Ettie?" He asks as if I were a small child. He takes my hand again, like he didn't learn his lesson. "Don't be. Does it make you feel any better if I tell you that you're the first to do that." He speaks little remorse and as if he can't hold it in anymore, he bursts out laughing again. It was nice to see him laugh, it gave me hope. The laughing matter, however, wasn't so hot.

  "Wow. You sure are mature." He's still laughing. "You are a complete and utter fück-tard, Quinn James."

  He stops. "Okay. I'm done. Now, where were we?"

  "Before...everything happened, you were going to give me answers. No backing down."

  "We're going in circles, Ettie. We've been at this point ten times today." He says. "Since I don't want to be stuck in one place as the next guy, I'll give you your answers." I sigh in relief. "On one condition." Shît. "You have to be quiet the whole time."

  "Of—" I begin.

  "What did I say?" He cuts me off with a condescending look. A noise of disapproval comes out from the back of my throat, but I nod nonetheless. I make a move to pull away my hand, but he grasps it tighter.

  I try to converse with him through my eyes. It doesn't work and I just look like an idiot as I widen my eyes and stare intensely into his. Goddämn, how do they do this is the books? I huff mentally and physically roll my eyes at Quinn's look of confusion. I guess rolling your eyes is also something limited to books because I cannot figure out how to fücking do that too. It looks like I'm fücking crosseyed.

  I'm losing my touch. That is if I ever had a touch.

"It all started when—" He begins but I'm quick to stop that sentence before it goes further.