This Is How You Lose Yourself

prologue

I was never good at keeping secrets.

  When I was thirteen, I thought I was all that. My head was stuck in the clouds, very much like every newly minted teenager.

  My mom called it a phase. I called it life.

  My best friend (at the time), Sadie James, told me a very big secret. It was April 19, 1984. I remember this because it was the day that her older brother had looked me in the eyes for the first time. Her brother had beautiful eyes. I tended not to compliment people; this was a big thing for me.

  Sadie's secret was most certainly a big one. She had given her first kiss to Allen Brunswick, the cutest boy in the eighth grade. Allen had told her not to tell anyone. But, of course, us being teenage girls, she told me. And I was told to keep my mouth shut.

  It was short-lived.

  The next day was a Friday. I remember because this time Sadie's brother did not look at me at all. The lunch was pizza, like every Friday. However, unlike every Friday, Allen Brunswick had sat next to me. Just staring at me and running his hand through his premature mullet so repeatedly it was getting annoying and distracting. Not in the good way. I cursed the fact that Sadie didn't have the same lunch as me. I had no one to save me.

  After five excruciating minutes, I snapped. "What do you want!"

  "Nothing." He said and continued staring. I didn't eat that day. Luckily, the bell rang and I scurried to my fourth period Math class.

  After school, Allen approached me at the school's parking lot while I waited for my mom to pick me up. I was severely confused and just stood there stiffly. Ignorance is bliss, and I'm blissfully awkward. He stood oddly close to me. I didn't move until I saw him move way too close for comfort. With alarm, I realized he was moving towards my lips. The kiss was over as soon as it happened. Oh my god, my first kiss was with a fück-boy.

   I felt like flinging shit all over the place.

  Frantically, I said the first thing that came to mind, "I know that you kissed Sadie!"

  His eyes widened significantly and he ran in the opposite direction. My mom pulled up just a couple minutes later. He wasn't even a good kisser.

  I knew that I had messed up when I went to school on Monday and they were calling Sadie No-Secrets-Sadie. She said that she didn't blame me. I wasn't a fool, I knew she did.

  I was never good at keeping secrets.

***

October 30, 1987, was a strange day. I knew from the moment it started. I walked to Sadie's house that morning, it was a Friday. I knocked on the door, but Sadie didn't answer. Instead, her older brother Quinn answered the door. He had his usual smirk on his face (he always seemed to be smirking), his beautiful green eyes laced with amusement and fireworks shooting in my stomach. Probably at the stupid expression on my face.

"Hey, Ettie. You'll have to wait a while, Sadie's running late."

I nodded dumbly. "Totally." My voice came out quieter than expected.

He smirked again and retreated back into the house, leaving the door open. Their parents left for work early in the morning, leaving the house empty, except for them. I waited until he was out of sight (but not out of mind) and walked up the stairs to Sadie's room. Her room was an explosion of neon colors and boy band posters. Extremely creepy porcelain dolls seemed to stare at me as I walked in. I don't know how Sadie could tolerate these dolls; I feared they would come alive at night and slit my throat. Sleepovers at Sadie's were certainly nerve-racking.

She was the exact opposite of me.

Sitting at her vanity, Sadie was beating her face with makeup and who knows what else in her head cheerleader outfit. I know, so cliche.

She turned her chair to me so fast that I was surprised she didn't get whiplash. "Omigod, Ettie! Do you see this zit! I'm dying!" I assumed that Sadie expected me to confirm the end of her existence, so I played along.

"You look like shît, Sadie! Bag your face!" And I promptly burst out laughing. She clearly didn't find this as amusing as I did and sighed miserably.

"Seriously, Ettie what will I do?" She paused for a moment. "Wait, how did you even get in here?"

"Your brother let me in," I responded, suddenly feeling sober.

"My brother went out of his room?" She asked, looking incredulous.

"Apparently so."

"Strange." Was her response. She gasped when she saw the clock. "Omigod, Ettie we're going to be late!"

"What about your zit?"

"Whatever." She said and ran downstairs grabbing her car keys as I followed her. She hopped into her mom's old station wagon and I sat in the passenger's seat.

We were halfway there when I asked, "Hey Sadie, did you study for the history test today?"

She banged her head on the steering wheel, "History test, again? Gag me with a spoon." I sniggered.

Since today was Friday, I had nothing to do on the weekends. School was the only reason I left my house at all. "Do you want me to come over tomorrow and watch Can't Buy Me Love on the VHS?" I questioned Sadie.

"You know I totally would, but Allen is Brunswick invited me to his Halloween costume party. I'm gonna party hardy!" Oh yes, tomorrow was Halloween. "You could always come with me."

I shook my head. High school parties were one thing I didn't need in my life.

Her face changes. Like the face she makes when she thinks of something. "Hey Ettie, do you have a crush on my big brother?" That was random.

"What would make you think so?" I said smoothly. But, my voice came out wobbly and my face flushed and I prayed she wouldn't notice.

She noticed, "That blush on your face." Just my luck. Then: "If you do I won't say anything...yet."

"I am totally not crushing on your brother, Sadie; that's fücking weird." The car stopped and I exhaled in relief. I tried to get out of the car quickly. I had to get away from Sadie, for now.

"Bye, Sadie! See you in fifth!" We had fifth-period history together. She groaned and I walked into school as the bell rang, laughing.

***
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