Every Last Piece

chapter seventeen

Dad's eyes gloss over. Dull stubble lines his square-shaped jaw. When I was a kid, it used to be the richest brown. "Doesn't have to be goodbye, baby. Maybe we can get to know each other again. A fresh start. I can get to know the new you, and you can get to know the new me. What do you say?"

I'm slipping, imagining what it'd be like if I did give him another shot. If I accepted him for who he is—a piece of crap addict who abandons the people he loves—instead of trying to forget he ever existed. We could play guitar together. He could teach me how to do a killer riff on the electric, something I haven't attempted since before he left. I gave up on anything rock, anything heavy. I drowned all the things about myself that made me his daughter.

But in the end, no matter who he is, he's still my dad. I always knew he was messed up, but I looked up to him. To his music, his talent. I loved him.

Now I don't know what to feel.

My phone vibrates from the back pocket of my jeans, and I pull it out.

Carson: Still on for the beach tn?

I sigh and face Dad. "Look, I gotta go. Just, stay away from Dee's this Sunday, okay? We've got a caseworker coming and we don't need the drama."

"Jillie, wait. Does this mean we're good? We can move forward?"

I stop at the door. "I don't know, Dad. But it's a start."

***

Carson and I get to the beach late. I spent an hour ranting to him about Dad in the car, and he listened to me the whole time. But now I have to keep it together. We both booked tonight off to hang out with Shae and whoever, so hopefully it's worth the pay cut.

A bunch of kids from our grade linger along the shoreline and crowd around a bonfire. When Shae tosses kindling into the flames, they combust into the dark sky, a stark contrast of vermillion and blue.

We walk up to the fire holding hands. Clarissa and some others glance at us, and it makes me feel so out of place even though I'm as much a part of Hull as they are. Clarissa's hooking up with Ethan Leeds now anyway, but things have been awkward between us ever since we had that conversation. And especially since she saw Carson and I show up to school together earlier this week. The rumors about us dating went full-tilt before it quickly became public knowledge, rather than speculation. I'm still not used to the idea of it: a boyfriend. A boyfriend who is Carson Blue, on top of that.

"There you guys are." Shae tilts a beer to his lips, the glow of the flame igniting his pale skin. He reaches into his backpack and tosses us each a warm tall can of Bud Light. I crack it open and take a small sip, but it reminds me too much of Colleen to enjoy.

"Been a while, Blue," Clarissa says, not looking at me. "Where you been?"

"Working, mostly."

Carson sits on a log. I join him and dig my shoes into the cool, damp sand. I've never been to a party like this without Val. They talk about school, our teachers, and what they're all doing after grad. I try to chime in, to feel at home with Carson's friends, but it doesn't do much for my anxiety. Carson silently rolls a cigarette beside me.

"Saw your dad, Jill," Shae says, and everyone looks at me. I shift against the log.

"We wanna meet him," Sadie Calloway says, and the hell yeahs echo over the crowd. I try not to be irritated.

"Yo, invite him," Ethan says. "Tell him to give us a show on the beach."

"Really, guys?" I say. "I'm not inviting my dad to hang out with us."