The Feelings That Were Never Mine

Chapter Five

May 15th, 2014

Mom invited her book club over for lunch two times in a row this week. After they left the first day, I begged mom to never put me through that pain again. Mainly because they were reading a romance about star-crossed lovers and every other sentence got all the women crying or cooing over something. So of course I felt gooey the whole day, even after they left, because having 15 women in one room feeling the same things can really wear a superhuman down. And yes, I did just refer to myself as a superhuman. Corey refers to me like this and I liked the ring to it.

"I want friends, Connor." mom said after I pleaded and guilt tripped. "I'm sorry you have to put up with us women, but it's only two hours every Monday and Tuesday, and you can stay in your room the whole time. This is the one thing I won't give up, my love." 

"Fine, I'll just go mow the lawn again." I figured it wasn't worth arguing considering a member had already arrived and we were whisper-yelling in the kitchen. 

"I love you, darling." she calls at me as I slide open the back door.

"Yeah yeah." Walking a wide circle around a certain evil rosebush, I find the lawn mower in the shed and begin the trek through the wilderness that has become our back field. It seems I was always mowing this cursed field. It's not even that it's a necessity, but I was often bored, and busying my mind with the methodical trance of mowing grass helped me breathe.

As I cut, I saw something blue in the corner of my eye. I stop the mower to check what it was I saw exactly, but can't find what i'm looking for. Then I feel guilt and a bundle of nerves rush though me, and know someone is there with me. I'm just so tired of not being able to take hold of my own emotions. So mentally exhausted! But then, I can't feel anything anymore. Whoever this person in blue was, he or she must have left. I try to turn on the mower again, but I can feel it overheating, so I have to wait a while. 

"Excuse me?" a low voice says.

I turn my head so fast I think I got whiplash. Someone was there, right behind me, a man I had never seen before only about 3 feet away, and I couldn't feel anything! "Y-yes?" I stutter. How is this HAPPENING?!

"Hi, I don't think I'm in the right place." He looks nervous, pacing from foot to foot, looking around like he's paranoid or something. I don't get the idea that he's dangerous or anything, just nervous. His hair is combed over in a neat crop, shining with gel. He's wearing a blue flannel button up with khaki pants and really nice Adidas. Whoever this guy was, he had someone to impress. 

"Where shoud you be?" I ask awkwardly, wiping away a drip of sweat. 

"Well, um, my ex-girlfriend, you may know her, she just moved to town. Dalia?"

At that my heart beat hit a thousand beats a minute and I clammed up. "Uh, Dalia?"

He nods, excitedly "You know her? I remember her describing her house, before we, uh, broke up, I thought this seemed like a pretty good match."

I nod, "Yeah, that's the place." I say, pointing to the house. "Listen, man, I don't think-"

"Do you live there? With her?" I could tell he was jealous by the way his face turned red. 

"No, oh gosh, no I live there." I point to my house "We're neighbors. And friends." I pathetically add.

"Hey, I don't know that she wants to see you. She's pretty angry at you."

"She told you that?" he asks, all of the sudden looking scared. 

"Well, considering the circumstances, I understand why."