The Feelings That Were Never Mine

Chapter Eight

May 18th, 2014

"Ella Amanda Fitzpatrick, 7 pounds, 6 ounces, born May 18th at 12:07 AM." I read aloud from my phone.
"Fitzpatrick" Sam muttered under his breath. Sam's last name wasn't listed. He wasn't legally Ella's father.
I ignored him, continuing to read the text. "You and Sam can come see the baby, but Dalia has requested he stay away from her."
Sam nodded his head, probably already expecting this request. He wiped his palms in his pants, a sheen of sweat suddenly appearing on his forehead. "Are you excited?" I asked, standing.
"I... Don't know."
I nodded, putting my hands behind my back. I had hoped he would take my hint and make some type of progression towards the room, but he was too caught up in his anxiety. "Should we go?" I finally asked.
He nodded slowly, not really seeming entirely motivated.
I finally got tired of waiting and started walking toward her room. I turned around and saw he was slowly trudging behind me.
Once outside the room, I waited till Sam was behind me before I knocked three times and waited. A few seconds later, Tally opened the door to a nearly silent room. She smiled at me with dark circles under her eyes, then glanced at Sam with distaste. "Dalia is sleeping, but she said you could hold the baby." She whispered to Sam. "You too."
We both nodded and she took a step back to let us through.
Pulling open the curtain, I peeked past Dalia, towards a small pink bundle cradled by my mother. "Hey sweetheart." She looked past me and I stepped aside, to let her meet Sam. "You must be Sam." I felt a subdued anger towards Sam all of the sudden. She covered it well, but if I knew my mother at all, if it weren't for that baby in her arms, she might have attacked him. "Would you like to meet Ella?"
"Me?" Sam asked, as if the thought hadn't crossed his mind.
Mom nodded, holding out little Ella to him. I heard his breath catch before he reached out and delicately picked up the little girl. He brought her to his chest and brushed his finger over her nose, her cheeks, her lips. "Wow." He whispered. I couldn't help but reach out and place my index in her tiny little hand, her reflexes making her grasp tightly.
"She's beautiful, isn't she?" Thalia whispered.
We both nodded, and when I looked over, I saw the happiest look on Sam's face. "I think she has your nose, Sam." My mother whispered.
He looked up at her, "really?"
She nodded, leaning on a chair.
I felt a swell of emotions overtake me. A brutally intense guilt alongside astonishment and pride.
"Dalia, you're up." Mom said, I turned to the new mother with saddened eyes and the urge to wrap her in a hug.
She looked at Sam with such intensity until he looked up, and she quickly looked away. Ella started fussing, wriggling herself out of her blanket. Sam looked up, panic in his eyes. "Let me check her." Dalia said.
Sam slowly walked towards the bed, ever so carefully passing Ella to Dalia. Dalia placed her newborn on her lap and gently untucked her blanket. She pulled up the baby's tiny diaper, and made a face. "Just pee."
"I can do it!" Thalia volunteered. She picked up a stirring Ella and put her on the padded changing table. "Did my little Ella Bella have too much to drink?" Thalia baby talked, laughing at her own joke, I chuckled and my mother smiled, but I couldn't shake the cold sadness permeating the room.
"How long were you guys here?" Dalia asked us, although she only looked at me.
"Since yesterday afternoon," Sam spoke up. Dalia nodded, but continued to look anywhere but him.

Ella began to coo, as Thalia redressed her. "What a little princess!" Thalia whispered, tapping Ella's button nose. I came over to look at the now stirring baby, noticing that the peach fuzz hair she had was a deep auburn color,  just like Sams. Once she was swaddled again, Ella fell back into a sleep, the only emotion that I could receive being comfort and peace. Ella would be a happy baby, I could tell. "You should pick her up, Connor." Thalia whispered, nudging me with her elbow.

I looked at her like shew had grown a second head. "Come on! The whole time she's been in Dalia's stomach, weren't the least bit curious and excited to meet her? And now that you have, you don't even want to see what is feels like to hold her?"

"I don't know." as I spoke, Ella stirred, her eyebrows perking like she was reacting to something.

"She knows who you are." Dalia spoke. I turned around to see Dalia now sitting up in her bed.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I read online that a baby can hear voices in the womb and can sometimes recognize them after birth. "It happened with me, Thalia too."

Talia nodded, gesturing to the baby again. "Go ahead, Connor."

I looked back at Dalia, then Sam, who sat at a chair in the corner of the room, looking on with curiosity, and what seemed like sadness. I took deep breath and scooped one hand under her neck and the other beneath her legs, she was about the size of a football, astonishing me as I discovered she was lighter than a feather. I pulled her close and breathed out as quietly as possible. "She's so small." I said.

"Right?" Thalia exclaimed, stroking Ella's cheeks, her hand brushed against mine, gently grasping Ella's neck, and a slight flutter erupted in my stomach. I looked at Tally's face to see if she seemed bothered by this exchange, but all she did was look admiringly at the newborns face.

"No Sam, please, I don't want to do this right now." Dalia  suddenly said, a feeling of irritation entered my system.

"Well then when, Dalia, because I'm getting tired of putting this off."

"I don't really know, Sam, but certainly not now, I'm too tired."

The three of us, Mom, Thalia and I watched the exchange, confused about what they were talking about that made Dalia so upset, although when it came to Sam, it could be anything that upset Dalia.

"When it comes to our daughter, I need to know that I can see my daughter when I want."

"Legally you aren't Ella's father."
"There has to be some law against this!" He sputtered, making Ella fidget. "I was here before the baby was even born, to sign the certificate! I am that baby's father!"
My mother sighed heavily. "Dalia, baby, he's right."
Dalia looked at her suddenly, and I could see that everyone including Sam was surprised. "Dannie." Dalia pleaded.
"What's going on?" Sam demanded
"Dalia, he has every right to that baby and deep down you know that."
"But he left me. He left us." Tears caught in the corners of her eyes, and I could feel her anguish. I took Ella to her mother carefully, Dalia reaching out to her newborn.
Sam looked to the ground, looking guilty and disappointed in himself.
I returned to Thalias side, where she was holding back tears. I don't know why I did it, maybe it was the overwhelming gloom in the hospital room, or my confused feelings, but I put my arm around Thalias shoulder. She stilled for a second, and then put her head on my shoulder, still watching the exchange.
A nurse came in from behind, taking  in the room with surprise.
"Now what's with all the long faces?" She said in a concerned voice. "If I'm not mistaken, there's a new life to be celebrated!" She can up to Dalia with a clipboard and pen. "Here's that certificate we talked about. Sorry about the mixup, we've never had that problem before." She gave Dalia the clipboard and I suddenly put together what Dalia and my mother were talking about.
"You didn't sign it yet?" Sam asked quietly.
She didn't answer, instead scribbling her name into the paper.
"There was a mixup with the printer, so we got it out a bit late." The nurse replied.
Dalia gave the paper back to the nurse, Ella still in her arms.
"Thank you. Is the father present today?" She looked around the room briefly, to me, then to Sam, who lifted his head and spoke clearly,
"That's me."
"Oh, wonderful." She gave him the clipboard and pen, and he took it unsure. He looked to Dalia, showing no interest in the matter, and yet I could feel her terror.
He then looked to his baby and I saw the look of finality cross his face, he signed the paper with gusto.
"Congratulations, you are both officially the parents of a beautiful baby girl."