All in my head

Day 3

Day 3: 22nd December 2018
I took a huge amount of air into my lungs and exhaled it out. "It was just a dream." I repeated this sentence to me. I wanted it to penetrate inside my head that it was just a dream. Deep inside me I was hoping for things to come true but life wasn't that easy for everyone, me specifically. Having to face the loneliness in the real world had caused me much distress and the feeling of seeing him appear only in my dreams was ecstatic but highly depressing as well.
I knew that he was just my imagination and I had never been scared of my brain ever before. Before I met him, when I used to be alone, I used to imagine things and those things would make me delighted as they were my imagination and nothing of it never really existed. But now, a part of it exists and the only fear I have is of not having it in reality. It's kind of confusing for most people to understand but I had to be brave and ask someone about it.
I decided to talk to my father. He was busy working in the garage. My mum said that my father had a secret love affair with someone and she was referring to our car. Every Saturday and Sunday Dad would step into his garage and stay there all day; busy experimenting with it. He'd always say that there's something wrong with the engine or the battery or the brakes, etc. Even if everything was perfectly fine.
He'd never take us out for movies or to Starbucks. He'd just be there on one corner of his garage, trying to do some weird stuff. I think he was inspired by those old school scientists who'd stick to their research and forget about all those things that were happening in the world around them.
"Dad," I came in through the back door of the garage, I was dressed in my night suit.
"Yeah?" He peeked through the glass window of the front seat.
"Can we talk?" I enquired.
"What do you wanna talk about?" He responded while he was still busy with what he had been doing earlier.
"Can you tell me something about...?" I paused. Shit! What am I doing?
"What?" He paused.
"...about my college fees."
"Why would you want to know about that?" He looked at me with surprise.
"I was really thinking hard about how I am going to manage my higher studies. So I just wanted to know how you manage to do it all alone. Just. General. Knowledge."
"Well your general knowledge isn't general to me. I work every day of my life to give you the best life and you shouldn't be worrying about that. See, it's my problem. You should be worrying about your exam results. Be proud of what you have and don't overthink about the things you shouldn't care about. Enjoy your life Kiddo."
I smiled. That's all. I didn't say anything else because that wasn't something that I wanted to know about.
"Now go on and don't disturb me." Both of us smiled.
I had this crumbling in my stomach. I had to share the happenings with someone.
This time I decided to call my friend from school. She was the only person in contact with me since we left school. Her name was Anna. I searched for her number through the phone book in my mobile but gave up on the thought of calling her eventually.
Then I thought of talking to Mum, but then I also thought about how much hysteria she would cause for a little dream of mine.
Afterwards I thought of finally texting Sara. I did too. But I deleted the message as soon as I sent it. Instagram is a great platform to delete your message as soon as you send it. I felt this sudden urge to kick someone and destroy everything in my room. Sadly I couldn't do it or else I would be grounded for the rest of the week.
Who should I talk to? My inner voice rebelled inside of me. It wanted me to open up and talk to someone about my dreams at that instant. Agonizingly, I didn't have anyone to speak to.
Am I such a loner that I don't have people to speak to and share my deepest feelings with?
At last, I decided to go for a walk in my garden where he would come in my dreams.
I was walking at a medium speed which gradually increased after a few minutes. The walk which I started with a very normal pace had now transformed into that of an over speeding vehicle.
"What are you doing?" A confused voice came from my left. I stopped to see who it was.
"Oh! Mum," I relaxed.
Whenever I am tensed or worried about something I always do these crazy things and Mum eventually knows about it.
"What is it that's bothering you?" She asked peacefully with her eyebrows raised.
"Oh you don't want to know. It's complicated." I was still walking that brisk walk of mine.
"I'd understand if you would tell me about it."
"Look! It might seem really great to me that you're so worried about me and want to help me out but this time, it's really very complicated. And I just want to let it all out but I really can't.
"And why is that?" She asked.
"Because I think you'd start acting weird."
"Okay Aura. It's okay if you don't want to tell me about it but I think you should at least try to trust me once."
I stopped walking now. "It's not about trusting you Mum. It's about you acting all weird when it comes to facing a problem in my life."
"Well, I am your mother and I have every right to act weird about a problem that you face. Isn't it?" She was polite all the time.
"Look, I know that it's okay but sometimes it's not okay. You need to understand that. Maybe if you stop getting overwhelmed about the little problems that I face, I could change my mind and tell you what's happening. And please don't be hurt because I'm just saying all of this due to my troubled mind. I'm indecisive about sharing my feelings."
"I know. But in case you change your mind, just come to me." She smiled, after bearing my troubled conversation for whatever minutes it was.
I nodded twice.
She smiled through her lips, eyes as well and left immediately.
For the next one hour I wondered about my possibilities of finding someone to talk to.
I could call Nana. Damn she's a sucker at keeping secrets.
After an hour of thinking about things I never did in reality I decided to complete my assignments I had to do for my college reopening after New Year's Eve. An assignment on social psychology was my task. We had to write about the history of social psychology and its scopes. It was bit of a tiring task for me. Anything related to history would scramble my mind like scrambled eggs. I hated history. I couldn't understand the point of having to study the history of everything just like I never understood the point of learning differentiation and integration in mathematics at school.
The limit does not exist. This dialogue from mean girls popped into my head. A smile came across my face. That movie was lit AF. I noticed I had strayed too far from what I had decided to do. My assignment!
I wrote about a paragraph about social psychology. Then I moved on to the part where I had to write the scopes. I started off by attempting to write about the field of health, followed by army, advertisements, communication, media, schools, education, etc. It took me about one hour to write and I was done. In the past one hour I had completed my assignment and not thought about him at all. That's a record.
It was four o'clock in the evening now. It was the time to listen to some good music and exercise. I never went to the gym or exerted myself into heavy weight lifting. I just jogged around the streets or the park nearby, wherever I liked.
"Shit, where are my headphones?" I was never so careless that I would lose the most important object in my life. My headphones were my life, and so it is for almost every teenager in this world right now.
I was running and running and running. The cold breeze met my nose and cheeks. My face was ice cold now. I was running. My nose was running. My head was running too, with his thoughts. I had prepared myself to ask him this time. I would go and bash out on him that what the hell was happening.
Meanwhile I was watching all the cars that were passing by as I had decided to jog on the streets. Each car flushed its own cold air on my face and body. This gave me the chills. Each car felt like it almost touched me. I got scared and trailed off.
My lungs began to hurt. It was like a big rock got stuck inside my wind pipe and drifted towards my chest. My chest felt heavy and I could not breathe. I slowed down and switched to walking. Although I knew that I was going to faint eventually I decided to continue walking back to my home. I did not call anybody to my aid. I kept walking on my own. Once I reached the front porch of my house I balanced myself on the chair kept there. I always carried a small bag with me so I took out the little water bottle from inside and filled my tummy with it.
I gasped for air, not much vigorously but certain level of satisfaction was attained as if I was dying to get some air in my lungs. I leapt forward and backward to make a difference in my monotonous position. My hands were trembling and the world around me was spinning. I was feeling dizzy to such an extent that I had to forcefully open my eyes. I tried and tried and tried. I did not stand up for the very obvious reason that I did not want anybody to know about what was happening with me.
I continued to sit and open my eyes but failed so I just became loose in my body. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. In and out. In and out. I let the dizziness affect me so that I could see what would happen if I didn't fight for myself to be awake. Fortunately my attempts to make myself feel better were strong enough to make way for me. I felt better and I could breathe now. I was still feeling dizzy but with a less intensity. I dragged myself to my room but I did not sleep.
Sometimes when we know we would be harmed or even worse, die, we still don't make any efforts to fight for ourselves. We might help ourselves on our own, but we don't seek help from others knowing the fact that they'd help us better. We just don't accept the help and love that we get.
In my case I had a choice of calling my parents and asking them to take me to the doctor but I refused to do so. I just kept it to myself.
My mum knocked while I was reading a book called 'A thousand splendid suns' by Khaled Hosseini.
"You want French fries?" She asked from the door.
"Um... No. I'm not hungry."
"What's up?"
"What?" I looked from the gap of my legs as I was lying down on my bed.
"You love French fries. Why do you not want to eat it?" She asked with concern.
"I had a burger from a food truck while I was jogging." I lied.
"Okay. Tell me if you need anything." She left the room and came back again. "You're having a cheat day, aren't you?" She made a guileful smile.
"Sometimes we should." I smiled too. She went.
"Oh God," I placed my hands over my forehead. "What is happening with me?" Phew!
I slept.
"Hey!"
"Hi." My voice was feeble.
"Are you okay? Your voice creaks."
"No. I've been having a spinning head lately."
"Take care of yourself." His face hardened.
"I'll find a way to do that." I rolled my eyes.
"So how's your day been today?" He smiled his bright one.
"Tough." I chuckled.
"And why is that?"
"I was thinking about you." I made a weird face by tucking my tongue behind my lower teeth.
"And..." He gave me a start.
"And I was thinking about your existence." I made a face.
He wrapped his arms around me and said, "Don't hurt your brain so much by thinking about me. It's 'you' you should be worrying about." He was still holding me.
"You know it's kinda funny, I mean... it's been only three days, if I'm not wrong, and we've connected so much." I raised my eyebrows in proudness.
"Yeah it's true." He nodded.
"I mean your eyes. They're beautiful."
"Really? Is that the only thing?" He smiled.
"Yes. I'm not kidding."
"Thanks bruh."
"Don't say bruh."
He laughed. "Okay. Whatever you say, captain."
"Talking of captain, I am reminded of something. I found these banners on etsy which made it look like Santa Claus but originally it was Captain Hooke. That was hilarious, you should've seen it."
"It would be. But I'd like to show you something even more hilarious."
"What?" I narrowed my eyes.
"It isn't hilarious but it's something interesting. I think you'll like it."
"Is it a surprise? I love surprises."
"You may consider it that way."
I couldn't imagine what he had planned of. It was incredible to have been given the opportunity of having surprises in my dreams. Woefully I have never had the chance to be surprised in the real world. So my dreams can compensate for that.
"C'mon, I have firecrackers."
"You really have them!" My face lit up with ecstasy.
He took me by the hand and we were standing near the tree where we first met. He opened a box of sky shots and pencils. I lighted my pencil while he was busy working with the sky shots.
"Step back. It's going to explode." I pulled him to me and he fell down on the ground. We chuckled.
He stood up and we both rushed to the end of the ground.
Soon the sky was filled with lights. He had lit all the twelve sky shots together and each one of them contained thirty shots. Both of us looked at the sky with amazement but I was captivated by him and he looked back at me. We stood in the same position for a few seconds when he made the first move. His lips pressed into mine so softly that it felt like kissing a baby's cheeks. It was so comfortable to be with him in any manner. He wouldn't judge how I laughed or snorted when I heard a joke. He wouldn't be angry when I messed his three shaded precious hairstyle. He would allow me to mimic him and did not burst into anger, instead he would laugh it away in his beautiful smile which first begun with his lips pressed together and ended in a bright smile showing his perfect teeth aligned straight. He was perfect for me and I loved him. Although neither of us had confessed it but I bet we both would've seen the spark.
When we love someone, for example our parents love us and we love them back, we don't see whether they're physically beautiful or not. We just love them with all our heart, irrespective of what society considers of them. Even if we don't like the way they behave or don't appreciate their temper level, we still love them unconditionally.
A mother won't abandon her child just because he or she is ugly. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and this is when we say that 'love is blind'. Blindness in love doesn't mean that we would allow ourselves to be fooled by anything. It means to become blind when it comes to seeing the flaws in the person. They say that no one is perfect and it's true. I could only notice how happy I was with him.
After playing for almost forever we decided to rest where we had been lying down earlier.
"I want to know that you're real. It's become so important for me to have this wish come true."
He took a long pause from turning his smile into a worried expression. "I'm sorry to tell you that I'm just in your head."
My smile had disappeared like my whole body had started to ache. "But I really like you."
"I do too." He whispered.
"In the other way. Look I've never had real friends before. I'm starting to feel like this is just my imagination. Like as if this mind of mine is playing games with me."
"Well, then you gotta play it."
"I can't. I'm losing." My voice was a few octaves higher.
Silence.
"I'm here with you."
"Yeah. Right." I got up and sat with my knees bent closer to me.
"You're fun, actually." He praised me, did he?
"Thanks. What made you say that, if I may ask?" I smirked and grimaced at his words.
"I can say it because I've spent time with you and you're so fucking amazing. Trust me."
"I don't think I will be able to sleep now." I said this because if I slept, I would eventually meet him. Meeting him is good but knowing that he doesn't exist would kill me so I never wanted to sleep again. But there was a part of me that had grown attached to him and what all he was about. The two days that I spent with him felt like I had met someone who was specifically made for me. The way he cracked his jokes and the way he'd planned the fire cracker thing for me, was immeasurable.
"I don't want to know the reason... I already know it. But you'll figure it all out soon. Just don't worry and trust me."