Toxic Lips [l.h]

s e v e n t y t w o

My mother and Elise were overjoyed to see I had come home, engulfing me in their arms. I know I looked like hell and they notices something was wrong straight away.

I wouldn't tell them at first, I just went straight to bed. Sleep, that's what I needed. Just sleep. You can't feel the pain as much when you're sleeping.

But the first nightmare came that night, and I woke up drenched in sweat and tears as my mother and Elise rushed into my room, worry on their faces.

I told them everything.

Every single detail from the moment I met Luke passed my lips. At points we laughed when I told them about his sarcasm-enriched humor and the smal things he would do for me, like buying me pens for my birthday or taking me to the zoo. I told them everything I knew and loved about Luke, not missing a single detail.

We all fell asleep in my room after that; it was three in the morning and we were all cried out. I remember staring at the ceiling as I lay between them, thinking of Luke's blue eyes and charming smile that I would never see again.

"So... there's a party tonight."

Elise speaks again and I look back at her.

"That's nice."

"I was hoping you'd want to come with me?"

"No."

"Come on, you could use some fun, Allie!"

I flinch at the nicknae, it reminded me of how Luke used to say it.  The nickname is no longer a reminder of my haunting past with Connor, it's a reminder of how desirable Luke's rough voice sounded when he would tease me with it.

"I'd rather not," I reply.

"Mum and I are worried about you," Elise says. "You're so... dull now."

"Dull?"

"You're just so muted and sad, and it worries us a bit."

"Well, the person I cared about most was shot, so..."

I can tell Elise is shocked by my response, but she quickly hides it. "All I'm saying, Alaska, is that I want you to be happy."

"A party isn't going to do that."

"Fine."

"I'd like to go home," I say and Elise nods, rising from the bench next to me.

We don't talk on the walk out of the park, or the car ride home. I smell my mother's cooking from the living room when we enter our home, shedding our handbags by the door as we stand in the foyer.

"I'm going to my room," I tell Elise and don't wait for an answer as I push open my bedroom door and walk in.

I sit on my bed, sighing.

My mind is my worst enemy at these times. All it seems to do is think and think about Luke and nothing else. I always think of the way he would roll his eyes at me when I made a sarcastic remark, or how gently he would hold me at night. How he memorized my lunch order and Nandos and always insisted on paying. When he swore he could juggle and ended up bruising two apples and a pear. Or how he would kiss me until my lips felt numb and my skin was littered with love bites, his forehead leaning against mine as he caught his breath only to lean in and kiss me again.

To be honest, I wish that I could wake up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things. It would be so much easier if I could just forget the way it felt to fall asleep next to him, and the memories I never can escape.

I'm not fine at all.

I hear my mother call me for dinner and I hoist myself off od my bed, dragging myself out to the kitchen.