if walls could talk // calum hood

chapter nineteen 💕

calum is the most lovely guy and he definitely has persistence but once thing that comes with that persistence is that it wears thin quickly and soon it just becomes utter annoyance. it's been at least half an hour and he is still at me to tell him who hurt me and i'm shocked because he's actually all up and ready to fight someone for real. first he thought it was michael since that's where i stayed and called him giving him an earful of shit. then the thought maybe it was mitchy because apparently i have been acting different since the club. i tell him to drop it but he's still waiting for an explanation.

"why are you getting mad at me, i'm just trying to help" calum sulks.

"you aren't helping cal!" i say with a bit too much attitude than i intended to give. "you're saying you're going to kill someone over something that doesn't matter. please, calm down babe"

he sits down on the ground and pats duke for a while and thinks.

"whoever it is baby, they're a dead man once i find them and trust me when i say that i will, one way or another" he says.

that's it, i've heard enough and i don't know if he's purposely just trying to make me mad and sad but he won't stop.
he stands me up and tries to kiss me and i push him off me.

"calum i know you dropped out of school and everything but for someone who's so fucking intelligent like you are why can't you see what the hell is going on?! you actually so clueless" i say getting mad.

he apologizes that he dropped out and that he isn't the most smartest guy in the world but he says he tries which i know he does.

"that's the thing calum, you are smart whether you're a drop out or not you're smart... why aren't you getting this though, i don't understand" i say giving up.

he come close again and hugs me tightly and asks me to tell him the truth and explain what's going on then if i don't think that he gets it.
i feel my blood literally bouncing around and  boiling like water in a pot and my brain cells dying one by one while i think of a way to explain it to him.

"calum, the other day you said to me that you loved me" i start to explain not even knowing what i'm saying or what's coming out next. "i love you too calum, i really do. i think that you and i might have a bit of a big communication problem here though. see, i think we have different views or definitions of what love means. you see, to me it's me loving you and wanting what's best for you and always trying to do whatever i can to provide it for you no matter what... how about you? i have been kind of worried you just said it to me so i can keep sleeping with you? i'm sorry calum"

he looks at me for a while and twists his rings around a few times.

"okay fine. i don't love and that's the truth. never have... it's not that i don't know how, i just don't want too and you know this, everyone knows this. i didn't want to love you and end up this way i just for and now it just scares me because like... i know i'm better off alone. i don't think i'm enough for anyone, not even myself anymore. plus, all everyone does is use and take from me and i have told you this before. all i want is friends, real friends because everyone else has just let me down badly" calum says.

"you aren't better off alone calum and you're stuck with me now" i say.

he shakes his head and says that he doesn't believe it and he would rather be alone than be the embarrassment and disappointment burden he feels that he is. i assure him he is none of these things and the reason i looked after him when i was back from hospital and everything was because i loves him and because i wanted to make sure that he was still doing okay and feeling alright, i didn't want to leave him alone.

"you see calum, that's the thing you aren't fucking getting. you are so fucking perfect and you have no idea how lucky and grateful i am to have you! you might not believe anything that i say right now but i'm speaking from my heart and the truth always comes from there. i LOVE you calum, genuinely. i want to be here for you to love you and look after you and help you everyday for the rest of your life. if you ain't feeling it then whatever but i don't want to be toyed around from you for sex when there's feelings involved. i don't give a fuck if you're calum hood from 5SOS or not, i give a fuck that you're just you, calum thomas hood. rich or poor cal, you could be homeless and broke and i would still be telling you the same shit. i fucking love you calum. you aren't able to control how i feel even if you don't like what i feel or agree with it that's just too bad really and i'm sorry. i think we really need to get our priorities straight and in order because i don't fucking know what we're doing but why are we even wasting each other's time anymore." i lecture him.

i find that i've stood up so i sit down and put my head in my hands waiting for him to rage back at me with some crap about how i'm crazy or mean or even just a hard person in general because of all that but instead puts his arm around me and pulls me close.

"i've never had someone like you in my life. you're so independent and know what you want. the only person who needs to change or fix anything and learn their priorities is me. i need to stop thinking what people say is so serious when there's someone who thinks the world of me. you might've started as just a face in the crowd at our shows but now you're the only person in a crowded room i see and will be at shows. i don't know if i have ever said it but... thanks for the email everything. i appreciate it and i'm so glad it weirdly brung is so close. who would've thought? i'm  sorry for everything" calum says while smiling and hugging me.

who would have thought...