RoadTrip Oneshots

I'll See You In Another Life (or maybe not) [Randy]

Dear anyone who is reading this,

It's funny innit? Seeing me laying there on the ground, not speaking, laughing or breathing.

Nothing. Just laying on the ground with maybe a rope around my neck or bloody wrists. Or maybe a overdose. I really don' t know how I am going to end this. But one thing is for sure, I am really going to end this, my life. And let me tell you something; It's fucking scary. Because within a half an hour, I am gone. Can you imagine? One minute you are laughing and doing things and one minute you're whole life is being thrown upside. I am not blaming anyone, just me. Just me. It's so hard. So hard. I have no idea what this action has for consequences for the boys or more importantly for Rye.

I think I owe you all a explanation.

But I hope for one thing and that is that Rye doesn't find this letter alone. It's fine if he finds it with Mikey or Brook. Hell even Jack but please not alone. He is to fragile for that. He'll break. Please look after him for me because I can't anymore. And I'm so sorry for that. I am sorry that I can't see our kids growing up.

They'll grow up with just one dad, because their papa was busy being a little fucker and decided to fuck his life up and kill himself after a silly fight with his husband for nearly six years. God Ryan, what was that fight even about? Was it about that I didn't get you the right cereal you wanted. I got you honey loops right? Instead of coco puffs. God, I am so stupid. I know you hate honey loops. Lately I've been getting you everything you don't want. And I am so sorry. You can't even imagine.

So on to tell you why I am going to commit suicide. I am going to kill myself because it's hard. Life is always hard but what if life just turns you down and you can't get up. What if life is suffocating you but everyone else around you is breathing just fine. How will you cope with that. And god, I don't even know how it all started. It just started, baby steps.

The small things that can put you down. Normal people will get up, because it happens to all of us, but it happens every day to me. And when small things turn in to big things, you just can't get up. Jacob said to me that he hated me. That everyone hated me, and probably still does, after I am done with myself. Don't blame Jacob please. Rose said that I was the worst dad ever. That I never was around, that I never took care of her or Jacob or Sophie. You know the funny part is, that it was true. So please Ryan, don't be mad at them, you are all that they have now. Ryr? Promise me one thing yeah? Don't do anything stupid and you know what stupid is Rye.

I really have double feelings about leaving. One side of my brain says that I should stay, but is there anything to stay for? Why should I stay when everything I do, is hurting the people I love? Why should I stay when I get the feeling that you have fallen out of love with me. We never hug or kiss anymore. We don't have sex anymore and it's killing me because the last time you touched me was about four months ago. My hands are craving for you, to touch you, to hug you, to love you. Everything in my head screams beautiful when I look at you. Your eyes aren't the same anymore Ryan. That was the first thing I noticed when things went downhill. Your eyes. Your eyes who shone so bright, are now dull and a little bit glazed. Not the stunning brown I fell in love with. I just miss you Ryan.

The second thing was when you didn't touch me like you used to, nor you let me touch you. God when was the last time I touched you? Two, three months? I miss holding your hand, I miss hugging you and when you played with the baby hairs at the end of my head. Ryan, you always managed to get me turned on by that. You have that effect on me. I miss touching your back, my big hands (Shrek hands as you would call them) on your back, leading you. Or touching your thighs when I hug you, or when I hold them when we have sex. That was your favourite position right. Every time we weren't too tired, we had to do that position. I just miss you Ryan.