The Silence Between Us ✓

[7] Need a Little Time

I reached my desk in English slowly, and in complete silence as always. I was early; I always was because that was another of the many things, I did to avoid any attention. There was a different reason of course, one that only belonged to this particular lesson, but I didn't want to admit it to myself. I liked denying the existence of happiness and school together.

Noah joined me quite a bit later, after most of the other people in our class had filtered in anyway, arriving with their many friendship groups, babbling about nothing that really mattered. They didn't mean anything to me anyway: I didn't really care much about how Carrie's party had gone or why Josh and Victoria had broken up. They were just names on a list of people that I would never get to properly meet because they probably already knew all about me if they had friends that said they did as well.

He stood in the doorway for a minute, putting me immediately on edge – what if this was all a mistake? I hated that I always reached the worst conclusion to any out-of-character behaviour sometimes – it would have at least stopped me having mini heart attacks every single day. Something about Noah acting strangely brought an even bigger physical reaction in my stomach, one that I'd never really experienced before, and I didn't want to explore it any further because I didn't particularly want to reach that conclusion. And then he was normal again and strode confidently over to me like nothing was wrong. I didn't have any reason to go into it any further, so I chose not to for the sake that he could easily tell me the worst.

I brought out the same notebook as last time and crossed my fingers behind my back that I wouldn't say anything stupid. I had a feeling that I had a knack for embarrassing myself in front of people that I didn't know – probably because I had to do it so little. I slowly put it on the desk between us and for some unexplained reason, I felt so much more tension than I was used to when talking to Noah. I know what you're thinking but to be honest, I was scared of everything to do with people at my school – so many different people had already made that clear – and I didn't need someone to let me down again.

Hello

Hey, how are you?

Good thanks. I took a big gulp, maybe because I knew what I'd just written was a very big monstrous lie – I was never good when at school – but something about him caring about how I was? I'd never had anyone that didn't know me well care. You?

I'm... fine I guess

Do you want to talk about it?

Not particularly – it's not that important

Are you sure?

Sorry I don't like to be like this

Like what? I didn't get it – he was treating me like a normal person. After years of being treated like some sort of freak, I didn't think anyone like Noah would ever treat me like anyone else. I was me after all. Something about his erratic replies did get me worried though – how could they not? What if... I really needed to stop myself from coming to the worst conclusions, didn't I? This was really becoming a serious problem.

I don't know – putting my problems on you

Seriously don't worry about it

It's just Harrison

Oh

He's just being a bit of a dick at the moment, it's really nothing serious.

And he's not usually?

I shouldn't have said that. Way to ruin the moment Via, way to ruin the moment. He definitely thought I was a judgemental bitch, now didn't he? I was well and truly screwed. The first friendship in High School and I'd already blown it in the first five minutes. Even though Noah thought he was being a dick, they were both decidedly friends and good ones too. He'd never side with me on this in any way.

And then I looked up. He was laughing – at me? Was this some sort of sick joke? He was 100% going to tell Harrison that now wasn't he. OH, why do I have such a (metaphorical) big mouth?

This was all my fault.

True

Wait what? He actually agreed with me? I looked back and forth between him and the notepad too many times, trying to figure out if he actually meant it. I didn't know why this was such a big deal to me, but it was. Noah AKA THE BIGGEST JOCK IN THE WHOLE SCHOOL actually agreed with me when talking about Harrison. This was both an amazing and yet dangerous situation to be in, to say the least.

We continued the conversation, delving deeper into the storyline of our project before the bell went. I expected Noah to leave immediately like he always did in every lesson, but he didn't for some unexplained reason that I couldn't ask. He stayed rooted in his chair, and I knew that if I waited until everyone else had left, it would undeniably make it a whole lot more awkward, so left with the rest of the class. My head was still spinning – analysing every single detail of the scripture on the paper. Why would Noah agree with ME? I'm the stupid naïve girl that nobody wants to even look at, never mind talk to, and now someone actually listened to my opinions and agreed.

I laughed humourlessly – this was genuinely a basic human characteristic – why was I making it such a big deal? Elliot agreed with just about all of my opinions (except, yes, you've guessed it, making friends with other people) so why was this different? I told myself I was being stupid and continued my short walk to Learning Support 4 where nobody could find me for the rest of break. Or so I hoped.

I took my phone out and waited for my mobile data to finally sort itself out enough to see if Elliot had messaged me, whilst admiring the new displays put up on the walls. I didn't think it was necessary to decorate this room; nobody used it, but I guessed it looked pretty and it couldn't hurt to liven the place up a little. I sighed as I realised that no, Elliot didn't have maths and hadn't had the time to cheer me up this time. Why was I always relying on one person to make me feel better about this hellhole? Why was I so unbelievable lonely all the time?

I jumped out of my skin at the sound of the door opening. Who could possibly want to come in here at break?

I looked up.

What the actual...?

XXX

And the annoying thing was that I couldn't reply. I couldn't fucking ask Noah what the hell he was doing in here. What was he doing here?

I didn't think he even knew this part of school existed – most normal people didn't – so why had he randomly turned up here and why was he smiling at me? I didn't deserve to be smiled at. Hell, I didn't deserve to be surprised by the biggest athlete in the school as the loser I am.
He needed to get out.

He needed to get out so that my head could finally get back to where it was before, when I could hate on the whole world giving up on me at the first hurdle. So that I could just be alone without anybody reminding me what a useless person am. What I didn't need was for Noah to turn up to make my mind even more fucked up than it already was.

Who did he think he was? My best friend? I could still remember when he called me a freak to my face and then laughed hysterically to all his friends. I could still remember him showing all his other friends Harrison's 'jokes' on social media that all included my face. Granted, he didn't make them himself, but he still thought it was funny. He still thought I was funny. And I couldn't do anything about it.

"Um, hey?" Ok, and now he was talking to me? What did he think would happen next – I would miraculously reply?

Was I being hypocritical? After all, I had just hated everyone in my class for always leaving me alone and never even trying to talk to me and now I was shutting down the only person who was trying? It was just so... hard. It's not like I just had some anxiety issues that meant that I didn't start conversations or was a bit shy. I literally couldn't speak. Any relationship with someone who didn't know sign language was impractical in person. It was ok when I texted Noah, but having a conversation without any written material around? It was never going to work

My head hurt with my brain going 100mph and I looked up to Noah's slightly constipated face again. I had a feeling this was the face he made when he didn't know what to do in awkward situations which, frankly, made me feel so much worse. I was such a difficult person, why couldn't I just be easy to talk to? I couldn't deal with it any longer, so I did the only thing that would make this end.

I walked straight past him and left the room.